Dear Alex
The truth is I never saw it coming. That train was going to hit me. I was hit by a train and kept living bleeding from my heart. No matter how much pain I felt, I didn’t die. It’s not fair. How is it possible for human to keep breathing when you are so much in pain? I had to wakeup each morning just to feel pain again. That was my reality.
Every morning, I wished I were not going to wakeup. The pain my heart carried was too massive to breathe. Against my will, it felt my body was going to stop breathing anytime soon. This was my 2 months.
Today I told you that I am in pain. And you said, “Still after 2 months?”
Have you ever loved anyone truly? I am sure you never have.
You were not the love of my life. Still, I loved you more than you could ever loved all the people combined. You don’t know what love is.
In this world, you win. You don’t give all of you to love someone, you don’t lose your way, you are in control, you don’t get hurt, you wouldn’t crawl back to your love.
You enjoy beautiful things, new things, and temporary convenience. When they are not beautiful anymore, not new anymore, not convenient anymore, you stop using them. You just stop. That’s what you did with me.
I was not a toy. I never was. In this world, I lose. I give all of me to love you, I lose control, I lose my way, I allow myself blinded by love, I get hurt, I fight for us no matter how hard it gets until the end.
The truth is this is the most painful betrayal and saddest ending in my life.
No one broke me this deeply. No one manipulated so successfully.
When I loved one man for 10 years and when it ended, I was broken. And he was the love of my life. When my last boyfriend gave me the same reason as you did, that he was young and not ready. When I witnessed him holding someone else in front of my eyes. I was broken. This is not my first heartbreak. But no one deceived me as bad as you did. No one had me believe something, which is untrue for so long so well.
No one treated me as same as throwing a tissue on the street.
You are a magician who stage tricks and lies for your own pleasure, an illusionist who creates illusion that deceives an eye of a believer.
You are professional, skillful, natural, greatest illusionist of all time.
I could not see your tricks. I didn’t even doubt that you are one of manipulators in this world. You succeed deceiving my eyes and my heart.
While loving you give me a life, being liked by others give you a life.
So you say anything to be liked by others.
I was a fool. When you said, you found the one, when you said you never been happier, when you said you couldn’t wait to live with me, when you said you would do anything to stay with me, when you said we could have a great life together after, I believed you.
When you introduced me to every one of important people in your life, every time you tell me that you talk about me to everyone all the time, I felt you really loved me.
But it was all part of the advisement campaign you do whole your life.
You did all of that not because you loved me but because to make you look good as a perfect perfect boyfriend. While those words were only to serve your ego, those words were all the things I held on to. I chose you, chose us over many other things that could keep life going.
You still don’t even realize that you never meant them for a second.
I could keep smiling with the life I had there, but I chose to be happy with you here. And I lost my smile. I lost it all.

It hurts. After 2 months, I am still lying in bed sobbing in tears, fighting the pain in my heart. And you cannot say to me, “still?”. I don’t even know how possible it was to survive this 2 months and that I am still alive. 6 months after, 1 year after, I will still be carrying the pain. Because, I gave you my heart to you and I loved with all of me. If it heals in 1 month so easily, I wouldn’t be a human. I am not you. I am not an expensive robot who comes with the best quality warranty.
But you will never get it. Because you don’t know what love is. You don’t know what is like to love someone and fooled by.