Before you say anything – I know you never really loved me. It was just another silly story that probably couldn’t end well. On that day, you were so happy and like “Hey look at me, I’ve gotten back with my girl and she’s the love of my life – while you’re nothing at all to me”. And it hurt me. Could you understand what I felt back then? And please don’t talk to any of our mutual friends, yes they’re sweet and all but why did you leave me out? Why me?! Oh yes, it’s all about me, I’m freaking selfish and I’m 6 years younger than you so I could never give you what you wanted and I’m not your kind of girl, I’m a silly little thing who’s too crazy in love with you to be really awesome, etc. etc. etc. I know. But Adrian… 4 months have passed since you cut me out of your life and I’ve changed. I’ll never be the same, I learned my lessons and I’m not trying to chase you anymore, it was such as huge mistake. Guess why? I’ve moved on. I’m happy without you and I really don’t care about you anymore. I mean no offense… but wait, why am I trying not to hurt you? You’d ignore my texts and my presence, you’d brag about her in front of me, you’d laugh at the silly things I said (hope I don’t have to hurt myself to remind you of them) and it was mean. Okay I don’t wanna talk about these first days of being love with you, I actually thought you were a player back then (but now that you’re with her you’ll never leave her, I know). Flirting with strangers is just a normal thing but you’ve still got something that really attracted me – “it”, charm, something so irresistible that I fell for you. It not because of the things you said, I’m not a fool to fall for first comers. I mean, I don’t know, maybe it’s just another lie that I’m telling myself but it really doesn’t matter now. I know you so much better now than I did back in September and I can sit here for hours talking about all the amazing qualities that you have. I hoped you’d wait for me, care for me and love me as a friend – you said you did but I don’t believe you anymore. How could I believe you at all? I hoped we’d live such a long wonderful life together, you know I wanted to marry you, have kids, and all, now don’t laugh at me. I loved you. I wanted to play hard to get and to give you what you wanted at the same time… How could I know what you actually wanted? You never told me. And still we kinda were in a relationship. It’s was so strange…. When I cried, I hoped you’d say more than you did, when we talked I hoped you’d understand me. You never did. You were sweet as always but inside you were so insensitive. My friends tried to make me see you weren’t worth the things I’d done for you. I knew it but I never wanted to believe this. And I still don’t want to. Sometimes I was wrong… We started having trust issues… Do you still remember the day I hurt you and then kept saying sorry telling you I’d never do it again? I never ever lied to you and I didn’t lie to you that day but you never seemed to forgive me. The things I said weren’t that serious and I’d have forgiven you if I were you. That was when I started feeling nervous… Then you got back with her… Maybe I was just a hookup to you but you made me feel like I was more. I guess I shouldn’t have said sorry, I should have just walked away cause I loved you more that you loved me. Fuck, it still hurts so much. God only knows what you thought of me. You never seemed genuine but I trusted you. Today I woke up thinking of you just like I did before and the first thing I said today was “I hate you”. I wish you were more caring and understanding just like you are now when you’re with her. But doesn’t it mean I want to change you? If that’s right, then I don’t love you for who you are. In fact, I don’t. You could have been a perfect boyfriend if you loved me truly. Why am I even talking about it? Lord, how stupid… You’re not the one. I don’t know if I love you or not. And I can understand you… Trust me. I guess you’re tired of me telling you I’m happy for you and her – but I never said it because I wanted to please you, I said it because I really felt it. I never lied to you and I never will. And I wanted to stay friends with you. Exes don’t stay friends, I know. But is it going to last forever? Do you want me to live my whole life without you? Yes I’ll find another guy who suits me better than you do (see, I’m over you completely) but how am I supposed to forget you? I had crushes before but I never met anyone like you and I never loved any of them more than I loved you. Most of the time, I think you won’t make a good best friend either and that’s when I start hating you for the pain you made me feel. But I hate my rational mind even more for telling my heart the truth. Maybe… we’re not uncompatible, we’re just different and you never opened up to me… Can you give me another chance one day? I’m not asking you because I love you… I just want to know if my gut feeling is right or wrong. And to be honest, I miss the feeling of being in love with you. I don’t miss you. I’m sorry if I hurt you when I cried on the day you got back with her. I should have been happy for you. Maybe we could have been better friends then… Who knows? Give me a chance to understand you more and to know exactly what you need and I’ll make you happy… and you’ll have to chase me, not the other way around… Time has passed and I’m pretty much okay. But I hope you’ll be sorry for treating me like you did. It hurts me to see how perfect you and your girl are for each other but I’m happy for you. Please be the kind, understanding guy you really are. You’re the best baseball player ever on planet earth and the best Ed Sheeran I’ve ever talked to and you’re so much more than that, you can’t be so cruel. Talk to me again. I guess I miss you but it’s a secret…