A beautiful memory

A beautiful memory

A beautiful memory

(can you just at least read this for me? I know you’re ignoring me for some reason, but i just needed to say this before you really make up your mind.)

This isn’t an easy thing to write with all the old feelings coming back, especially since i’ve never poured my heart into something this much. You were one of my first loves. You were the first guy and only guy I’ve sat in the McDonalds parking lot with almost every night talking about our lives and falling even harder for each other. I’m so thankful that I had the opportunity to be so in love, especially since now I’m praying to god I can have one more chance.

Although things changed, we did too. Arguments started, overthinking in our relationship. I was told to leave you because we weren’t gonna last anyways, and you were too mature for me & much older. I thought I could prove them wrong. I tried everything I could to get them to think positively about you. Right when things were starting to go our way you made the decision it was better for us to split. I wasn’t thinking straight. I thought for sure what you did was a good idea. Days went by and you were still the only thing I cared about.

It’s been about 2 months since I last saw you. I don’t know why you’ve been ignoring me so much. Have you found someone new, someone who treats you better, cares for you more, sees you more, better personality, prettier? That’s all I can think about now,  I keep feeling like someone is kicking me repeatedly in the stomach, and I can’t breathe. If there is someone, why her? Do you ever think about me, about what we had, and how strong it was? When you hear the songs we used to listen to, do you think about it, or if you see my mom’s truck, if you see Sarah, or anyone we hung out with together. These questions make me go crazy. They make me wanna talk to you and see if you miss me, even though you think about having someone new.

The longer we’re apart, the harder it is for me to cope.  The more I realized that you were meant for me, I just needed to be apart from you to understand. We’d always be together all day, every day and now I look back and realize we just needed time to understand our love for each other.  My simple text to show I still cared ended up turning into something you just read and ignored.

We have the strongest connection and we can talk about things for hours but somehow never run out of things to say. All the old feelings come rushing back and I’m just confused. I don’t know how to bury these feelings again like I’ve done before. This is so hard because I want to be back how we were so badly, but the reality is we can’t be. At least not now. I’m sorry I keep coming back, and checking in. I know it’s annoying, I just can’t stop. The thing is, nothing bad happened. It was the timing, the distance. I’m so confused if we’re supposed to be together again or not.

We’re still in love Evan, you just need me around to feel it.  I’m currently sitting in my bed thinking about you once again. Today my phone told me I needed to delete some pictures and videos, so I made the decision to delete all 1,539 photos, and videos of us. While I was doing it, I felt the hole in my heart stretch a little wider. I never really imagined life without you for real. We have so many memories together. I can’t even pick my favorite memory with you. No matter what, they were all good in some way. From our first kiss, after hearing the news of me having to come back. I never knew we were gonna fall in love. Taking pictures with your truck, the first time calling me babe, made my heart literally melt. The way you were so happy when telling me about your love for trucks, or anything with 4 wheels and a motor, even though I didn’t understand it all, it made me happy.

I don’t know what my purpose of writing all this out is and I have no clue where this is going to go. But just let me start with saying thank you. I feel like I never actually thanked you for loving me and being there for me. You came into my life during a weird phase of my life. I was in such a dark place myself. I didn’t have anyone to talk to but Sarah at the time. You physically made me feel so alive and in love with life. Then we mentally got ourselves into it. You were always mentally there for me when I needed someone to be. Whether I was going through it with myself, in general, or my family. It was always you. I can not thank you enough for that.

I know I was not the easiest person to love but thank you for trying to love me for the time we shared. I should also be sorry. I’m sorry for all the hurt it brought you when I left. I never had any intention of doing that. I’m sorry for everything. For making a big deal out of things I definitely shouldn’t have, and the countless amounts of attitude you had to deal with. I wish I never put you in any of these situations, especially the one with my family. I had so much going on and I know that is never an excuse but I shouldn’t have taken my problems out on you, you were always there to just support me and I used you as a punching bag when things got bad. I am so sorry. I’m sorry I let you down. I also know I’ve said that a lot but deep down I honestly mean it, and I hope one day you can forgive me for everything.

I really love you. I want nothing more in the world but you. You became my world because you pulled me out of the dark and helped me live. If I could go back and fix everything I would, but sadly I can’t. I pray that you will at least try when I get back. I couldn’t be mad if you don’t want to, and couldn’t possibly understand the pain this brought to you. I pray our stars collide once more in the future. I’ll never know if I’ll get the chance to love you once more but I hope I do. We had the perfect future planned out and I really can’t picture doing all that with anyone else. You changed my mind so much. I’d hate to experience that with someone else. I know I could continue this forever but not this time.

I hope nothing but the best for you, you really deserve the world. You’re such an amazing soul and a wonderful person. I pray one day you’ll be able to see yourself like I do. I pray life starts going good for you. That is something that I can’t wait to see from the sidelines. I hope you fix up your truck, and get all the things on your list done. I hope schools are going well, along with your parents and Sammy and Ryder. Are you still working at that Chinese restaurant? What about racing, how are they doing at that? I know how much it means to you guys as well. I just overall wish you well in the future and now. My reason for sending you this is to tell you I’m not giving up on you. I’ve decided to ignore what everyone says and go for what I want. Saying goodbye to you has always been hard, but it was the hardest without seeing you.

I won’t forget the way your lips felt against mine. Yet here I am crying every night. Wondering why you don’t want me in your life. There is never a moment you don’t cross my mind. And I’m still heartbroken. You mean the whole world to me, and I wish everyday that I could go back to that. I wanna wake up every morning with you and lay in bed going to sleep with you. But knowing myself, it will never happen. I want you to know whoever has you. I hope they will love you like I do. And I hope they take every chance to make you feel good.

I was always told that anything is possible, dreaming about things wondering if it’s ever come true. But it’s only gonna remain a dream until you take action to it. I’ve always dreamed of having a love so young and lasting like the movies, like the stories everyone tells about high school, my parents, their friends. When I first met you I didn’t know how much you were gonna mean to me then a week later I fell in love. We told each other we’d last forever, our love would last forever, the time we spent would last forever, little did we know God had another plan for us. Evan, I wish you the best and I will always ALWAYS love you.

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