Exactly, why we broke up when we clearly know that we still love each other? Truly, priorities suck. I want to be bitter in all things, in people that surround me, in all the things I do. You’re right, my experience for my first love, first boyfriend with you was not good as I expect it to be. Yet, I still consider you a breath of fresh air from my dull life, a diversion which literally diverted me to this place where I am writing now, to the place where we started everything that we had.

Here I am sitting in front of my computer waiting to come into my senses… I am not feeling well after I read your message this morning. Really? How many times are you going to hurt me with your random messages? Here, I am not going to tell you how much I love you, because falling in love with you was one of the best real love I have had in my life. Here, I’m going to tell you how painful it is that it keep on waking me up crying in my deep sleep. I am not fine, I am not okay, I am sad, I am in pain too much pain that I want to give up waking up and walk in the memories you left.

I hated myself instead of hating you for letting me go. I hated myself for keeping my hope that we can still make it through even if it will take time. I hated myself for letting you in. But, this morning, was the first time that I said it out loud, “I hate you from the bottom of my heart”. I hate you for making me fell in love, I hate you for making me feel vulnerable in this, I hate you for making my days and nights miserable, I hate you for throwing me away in your life, I hate you for not giving me the chance, I hate you for giving up, I hate you for making me feel so hard to be loved. I hate you for not making me part of your priorities. I hate you for being my first love. I hate you for being my first boyfriend. I hate you for telling me to move on. I hate you, I really do. Your sorry can’t make me feel better for now. Your sorry can’t heal how broken I am now. Your sorry does not make sense right now. You were right at that night, I should have called you “Gago ka”, and I should have got angry at you. I should have exploded so I don’t feel so hard now for myself trying to escape from the real pain that I am bearing every day I wake up… Our love story wasn’t a happy ending. You and I were composed of many differences that keep on making us apart. Guess, opposite doesn’t really attract, I should have a research on that.

Remember where this hate comes from.