Dear V,

I haven’t really thought about what I’m going to write here. Though I feel I should. If only to get it off my chest.
See the thing is I never really had the chance to thank you.

You knew my history. I told you about the things that happened to me a few months in. I still remember how nervous I was to tell you, you accepted me nonetheless. You showed me what I had not experienced from my 18th to my 23rd. You showed me the acceptance and love which I had not given myself.

When I was with you all my insecurities and hurt from those past years started bubbling up. I did things you did not deserve. I remember every time I made you cry in the 2 years we were together. It still eats me up inside that the person I loved more than life itself had to suffer through that. Because you did not deserve any of that. You were kind, loving and sweet, you cared for me when I did not and I will always love you for that.

We never really fought though we never really talked as well. In the 2 years we have been apart I’ve learned so much. About the nature of reality, how time works, what true love is, who I really am. Best of all I have gotten past most of my insecurities and even better most of my PTSD (I still sleep with music on though, haha). All of this would not have happened if you had not come into my life the moment you did.

So what I really want to say is this. I do not regret our time together, I do not regret that we broke up and I do not regret ever being with you. I do not regret it because I would not be the person I am today if I had not met you. I do not regret it because some deeper part of me knew I was hurting you when we were together, and it knew I had to let you go, even-though I really, really didn’t want to.

You see as much as I wanted to be with you, and I still do, I knew that we couldn’t. Your kind heart did not deserve to be treated the way I treated you. I also know, that under the circumstances I was in at the time I probably couldn’t have acted in another way, but I cannot tell you the amount of times, during and after our time together, I wished I could have.

I hated myself. At times I tried to hate you (I read somewhere on the internet that this was healthy haha, I really doubt that) but I couldn’t get myself to do that, I still can’t. I said this to someone once and I still believe it holds: “Blaming someone else for things that happened never solves anything. Things just kind of happen so there is no use in finding a perpetrator.”. I’m not saying that to vindicate myself, I really believe that statement.

I still think about you a lot. Every other day, not when I’m on some festival, not when I’m drunk or high, not when I’m with friends. But when I see girls who look like you, when I go home from work, when I’m working to finish assignments for uni, when I’m standing in the shower, when I’m near places we visited together. But most of all when I’m lying in the bed we shared once or twice after I moved out of my parents home. I still sleep on the left side by the way, but the pillow I reserved for you is no longer there.

I’m tearing up writing this. I guess that’s a good thing. I think it means I really deeply cared about you. I hope you feel the same way about me, I hope you’re enjoying life, I hope that you’ll achieve your dreams, I hope that you find someone who has had the experiences to treat you like you should be treated. Most of all I hope that you get everything out of life you want or need.

I’m going to stop writing now. I’ll probably write some more on my computer just to get it out of my system. Though I really, really want to let you know this.

You saved me. You took in this damaged guy, you showed him love, true love. I cannot tell you what that means for me. God knows how many times I have thought about exiting this life before I met you. You helped me when I had absolutely nothing to live for, I really wanted and I really tried, to give you something similar. To show you that I gave you roses, cuddles, gifts, jewelry.

Though now I know, the best thing I could have given you was someone who truly loved himself, so that he could have returned the love you gave him in a way you deserved. I’m trying to be that guy. I feel I should, because I want to do right by you and the time we had together. It is the pain of losing you that motivates me to go on and be as kind to others and myself as I possibly can, to show them/myself love and appreciation.

I’d love to tell you all of this in person but we don’t talk anymore since I cut all ties so I could process what the hell happened and why.

V, what I would like you to know is this.
I am sorry. I love you. I appreciate you. I miss you. But most of all, thank you.

Yours, R.

PS. I’ll send you this virtual hug now, because I know you loved those and ow how I loved them. *hug*. You’re magical, thank you, for everything <3