I hate that you have it so easy in this life, and that as much as I fight the thought that I was not good enough for you, life keeps proving me otherwise. We had the same exact job in different companies. You did not have the mindset that it took to be an agent of change…I did. Yet, I got the short end of the stick, while you got the praise, the glory, the admiration. Your co-workers loved you and found you helpful, mine thought I was annoying and did not like my approach to them. You told them what they wanted to hear, I told them the truth. You got the promoted to chair of your department, even though you had 6 items in the red. I had all items in the green always, and all I got were write ups because people complained about me telling them the truth, not what they wanted to hear. I watched you soar doing exactly what I was so much against. Complacency, lies, ass fucking kissing. I watched you get it all, why I was left with nothing. At the time, I hated that I even compared myself to you. I hated it because it was not who I was. I was usually happy for people I loved, for meeting their goals and accomplishing more. What the hell was wrong with me? You were the person I wanted to see succeed the most, yet I felt like you derserved a fall. You were too lucky, and your luck was not well deserved–you were arrogant, thought you were better than the poor, and did not see those you worked with as capable in the way I did.

You judged me for being poor, you judged me for coming from a single family home, you said it yourself, sometimes you felt sorry for me. I did not need you to feel sorry for me, I needed you to see me as a person who was strong, someone who you admired not because of what she had not had growing up, but because of who she was now despite her deficits growing up. I did not need you to judge my family, and say “poor them” in your condescending tone, as if you really felt compassion, confused with pity and feelings of superiority. I had nothing and was at better place in my life than you were in your sheltered fucking life when you were my age. So why the hell are you sitting there feeling sorry for me?? You should feel sorry for yourself that it took you so long to start figuring out your goddamn life. But, of course, you are lucky, and blessed, and will get the best in life because you are charming, kiss assy, does not confront people even if his values are challenged, you are YOU.

You have male privilege. You have a personality that others love, even if it is superficial. You have a family that will support you no matter what. You have the way with people that will keep you ahead, despite your inner turmoil, your insecurities masked by arrogance and good dress. Despite the fact that you come crying home feeling inadequate as fuck, despite the fact that you are sheltered and judgmental, despite the fact that your values do not align with your actions, despite the fact that you are immature and have a lot of shit to figure out internally. Despite all of that, you will get ahead…you will get ahead and not me. Despite the fact that I deeply care about my job, despite the fact that I am honest and truly have people’s best interest at heart, despite the fact that I do my job and have a better education than you do, you will get ahead, not me.

And you know what I resent the fucking most? That despite knowing all of these things, I still needed you in my life to make me feel “enough.” Because, without you I feel like I was not good enough for someone like you. Surely if someone like YOU likes ME then I must be enough. I believe and see what others see, I too fall back into the trap of believing the illusion that you create for the world. I need you to help me feel enough because I know you are not better…and if you are not better than how the hell did you let go of someone like me…unless you are better.