It’s only been a month, give or take a few days, so I’m excusing myself for any remaining hurt or anger, at least for the duration of this letter. Eight years is not easy to get over, particularly with the way they ended. I’ve had to come to terms with the feelings of betrayal, abandonment, and the worse one was feeling undesirable. I had believed you when you kept telling me we were still together, we were ok. So when I found not only were we not ok, but you had already moved on before you could be bothered to tell me we were over, it hurt on levels you could never grasp. I still can’t fathom how you figured moving on without telling me first was sparing my feelings. All that did was make me feel like an idiot on top of feeling betrayed and tossed aside. You should have manned up, broke up, and THEN moved on. In that order.
In the interest of self-healing, I ran across an article that had me go through a series of “finish the sentence” exercises. The first question was “What can you do now that you couldn’t before?” And the first word that popped into my head was “breathe.” It puzzled me at first, until I realized that it was accurate, figuratively speaking. For the last 6 months to a year prior to the breakup, I had been holding my breath, in a manner of speaking. I had been enduring the silences, then excepting the excuses, only to endure more silences. I had been subtly altering my life to make myself as available to you as I could, without neglecting family or other obligations. And for what? It didn’t mean a thing to you, it was as if you figured you were entitled to expect this of me anyway, and you didn’t even need to appreciate it. You basically just acted like I wasn’t there, until it suited you to acknowledge me. And I was dumb enough to not see it.
I walk away with new lessons under my belt. I know what kind of man I want, and what kind I will never just accept again. I will never accept being an “option” again, I will either be given a true shot, without feeling like I’m in a competition, or I will not bother. I will expect open, clear, and honest communication. No lie will be accepted, regardless of the reasoning behind it. I’m also going to be wary of a man who shows affection just fine during the early stages, then tells me he’s not openly affectionate later on. If I’m worth the effort in the beginning, I’m worth the effort, period. And I will never let a man erode my self-confidence again.
You had it all in the palm of your hand, and you dropped it. Some day you might actually figure that out, if you ever get over being the selfish and insensitive male you are. For my part, I’m over it, and ready for better things.