I never thought I’d find myself living this life without you. It’s almost like learning to walk again. I fight with myself every day to forget about you and move on, but it seems as though I can’t. Maybe I loved you too much. Maybe I miss who I was with you, you brought out the best in me. Maybe I miss seeing you grow as a person and being apart of your life. Maybe I miss my best friend, the one I could be a complete goof with without judgement. Maybe I miss making you laugh, seeing that smile that I would give the world for. I loved you. The words don’t seem to do the feelings justice.

But now I’m a shadow, a shell, a ghost, shattered and broken. I gave you my whole heart, let you in to see the side of me that no one else has. I confided in you. Trusted you. You knew me better than most, and yet, you accused me of cheating, something you knew I would never do and ended the most precious thing I had in my life. Why? There are so many questions, so many unanswered questions. And those that you did answer were only contradicted by your actions. You were cruel. You tried to use me. I struggle with the idea that you were this kind of person all along, that I loved someone that turned out to be a monster.

I was destroyed, but you, you seemed to be just fine. Fine enough to find someone else within a month. Fine enough to still call and tell me that you missed what we had and you still loved me, yet you were with someone else. Did he know about those phone calls? So many unanswered questions. I don’t understand. I want to, just to give myself some measure of peace. It doesn’t help that I’ve become your scapegoat for everything wrong in your new relationship. You can’t blame me for you catching him cheating, but sure enough you stayed with him even though that was a deal breaker for us. I just don’t understand.

I’m sorry for what I did and the decisions I made that led us to this point. If I could go back, I would. At least I could feel that happiness again with you. But I’m not sure if that was even real at this point. It was for me. I hope you get what you deserve, whatever that may be. I hope I can one day find peace, not only with myself but with you. I’m tired of going back and forth between loving and hating you.

But the real truth amidst chaos of emotions that I have is that I miss you, I miss us, and I just wish you would come home.