It has been over two months now and at times I still feel like my heart is being ripped out of my chest when the thought of you crosses my mind. I find that I struggle at random points to resist reaching out to you despite the fact that it was you who broke my heart. I don’t know why it feels as if this is so hard for me yet so easy for you. No matter how hard I try to stop refreshing a page or a picture to see if you may have liked or commented on it I just can’t. Part of me still thinks that the only thing that can fix the pain that I’m feeling is you, despite the fact that my pain was caused by you. All I want is a chance to fix things and spend time with you or find a way to completely move on because the feeling of being in between the two is eating me alive. I hate the fact that I can’t get you off my mind. I don’t understand how you’re okay with never speaking to me or spending time with me again after almost 5 years. You were everything to me and always the one person I could count on. I just can’t wrap my head around the possibility of you actually changing. I fight the feeling of moving on from you almost every day and I don’t know how to let it in. I question what’s the right and wrong thing to do when it comes to anything involving you even though we haven’t been together in two months. I have good days and bad days but when I slip into thinking about us too deep it feels like I have no control over anything. What hurts even more is knowing that we’re inevitably going to cross paths again in the near future due to our mutual friends and I don’t know if I can handle that. I wrote you a letter when we first broke up and poured my heart out to you only to hear that you still love me, care for me and have feelings for me but can’t be with me. However, I wish you would just have the courage to admit that you don’t love me and don’t care for me because if you love someone you go to the greatest lengths to never let that person go and you did the opposite.

Wow I needed to vent.. All in all, as much as it may hurt to eventually see you with someone else, I still wish you nothing but the best. and if you ever realize what you let go of, I truly hope I’m not too far gone for you to reel back in.