Dear my ex fiancé and soul mate,
Where do I start? I feel like a hole has been punched through my chest. Everything reminds me of you, even the trees. I shared my whole life with you, gave myself to you completely and I’m not sure how to get it back. I’m not sure what is going through your head, how you’re thinking, feeling. I never thought you could do this, one minute we are best friends and lovers and soul mates and nothing could pull us apart and the next…You’re gone. You seem fine, able to be happy and move on. You ignore me and act as though we are nothing. I can’t seem to let go of what we had, what we could have been, what we were supposed to be. The other day I thought about when you proposed to me, I cried for hours. I know the love I felt from you was real, so how are you able to walk away so easily and cut me out like we were nothing?
I hope you will soon realise that this is wrong and it all feels so unnatural, but that seems unlikely so far. Maybe you will surprise me and call me or come to my door and cry and tell me it was all a mistake and that you can’t live without me. It’s like the universe saw that I was too happy and decided to take it away.
We weren’t even drifting apart or losing interest, the sex was still amazing and frequent, we were still all loved up and wanting to spend as much time together as we could so how can you just be okay? I’d understand if we were growing apart or the spark was fading, but we were so close that our souls were spilling into each other and the spark was a burning fire. Which makes it all more confusing and hurtful, how can you walk away from that?
I miss you so much it hurts, I even miss the weird small things you do, like how you crack your wrists or talk so fast that your mouth keeps moving after you finish or your silly dad jokes or the way you scratch your beard.
We were perfect. In sync. It was like electricity when we were together. Even after over a year you still surprised me by coming home early or making me dinner or getting me something small that you know I love. I miss turning around and seeing you watching me, with adoration written all over your face. Where has that gone? I’m sorry I was stubborn that last argument we had and I’m sorry I walked away, I could never really leave. I wish I had taken you in my arms and put my pride aside and been calm and open, I know we would still be together if I had.
I wish you could see that it was just a bump in the road and it wasn’t meant to be goodbye.
Even after all the ignoring me and doing things to hurt me, I still want to spend my life with you and only you. I’m still yours. But you aren’t mine.
I’m not sure how I will ever move on or let go but I hope I don’t have to.
I love you more than myself, i want to guide you away from those negative people you have listened to and be the light in the shadows.
I want you to see how much I did for you, I saw the darkest park of you and still loved you, I was the only person there when you had no friends, no money, no job, nothing. I held you when you cried and picked you up when you were down. I wish you would see that and not “all we did was argue”.
I know this is because you are not mature enough yet, and that’s even worse because you’re destroying yourself and me and you don’t realise it yet, maybe you never will. Maybe you’ll carry on and find someone else and spend your life with them and never look back. That kills me, it rips me apart and burns the pieces, so please don’t do this.
I hate this but I need you. Don’t let me drown.