Hey,

This feels repetitive and sometimes annoying but also relieving. I thought I was ok. Then you sent me a letter that broke my entire heart. Then I went to therapy and she told me that it all sounded selfish and I was so confused.

All these emotions are so confusing. One minute I think you’re coming off caring and the next I’m so mad at every little word you wrote.

Then you texted me on Valentine’s. I felt strong, it was a good day so I replied. Then you came on here. You wrote me a comment on a post I wrote years ago. A post that still seems relevant if not more to this day.

& I think to myself.. why?

Are all these things just moments that when youre laying in bed alone.. feeling lonely, help you? Is it really for me?

Everyday is something new.. and I’m told to take it day by day. For the most part I’m fine, as long as I’m not in the apartment that haunts me of you. I haven’t filled your drawers, I haven’t thrown away your left over shirts, I haven’t packed your games and controllers, your kitchen supply’s and towels in a box ready to be sent to you. I just can’t. The babies outside playground is destroyed but I can’t throw it away. The tooth brush holder that we bought for your place, I still use.

I’ve edited my favorite picture of your arm around me one night.. and I’ll never delete it.

I wish the two of us would have grown up. Realized what we were about to lose. Stopped putting the pressure on each other to be adults and cut the play.

Financially we killed each other, we decided to exclude our friends and forget about making new ones…

It’s just so weird.

Because right now I feel like the girl you fell in love with..

She’s a little more adult, has a little more understanding of the world but nontheless somehow… makes friends with everyone, pursuing my dreams (I’ve blogged everyday since January, promoted at anthro, got a second job) I went out one night and went to 3 or 4 different bars and finally breathed for a night…I’m skinny dipping with my new manager (a girl) lmao drunk at 2pm, I’m buying myself things again, I love everyone and now.. to a hole other extent.. the aloe I gave you from my parents backyard.. is kinda what I do now for girls in a hair crisis at work.. I grab the best thing I have and give it to them to help… I want to move and have plans on moving..

I know these things don’t make much sense but it’s a 21 year old version of the 17 year old you met and ran around town with.

The 17 year old at the beach getting taught how to do butterfly’s with glow sticks because it was new to me and I wanted to try it, and I also was interested in your life.

I can’t help but get angry.. I’m not the background reason we aren’t together. I never cheated, or went behind your back, I never lied about the things I was doing while you were alseep but I did react to them pretty badly. I was so in love and I didn’t understand why I wasn’t enough.

& I killed us… I killed myself trying to be perfect.
To the point where I drove myself nuts.. going through your things, believing you were with someone else at work, hating every pretty girl that walked by..

I’ll never allow myself to be that person again.
She comes up every once in awhile but I can tame the thoughts. God has really been with me through all of this.

I found myself in the middle of church on my knees sobbing.. “lord, where are you” and I heard Him.. for the first time I heard him. He told me basically, “what do you mean.. I’ve been there for you from the beginning.. in your room crying yourself to sleep because he lied, in Pennsylvania when you were miles away from home and had to hold in your pain, when you would come home after storming out from a fight and he was just on the couch asleep..I’ve been there and unlike humans, I’ll always be there”

I must have been on the ground for an hour…

I listen to Joyce every morning.. yesterday she told me sometimes you go through battles to come out stronger but also wiser and more patient.

My entire soul wants you, but that doesn’t mean I regret the decision I made. Because if we were still together we would only be killing each other trying to live up to the standards of our insecurities.

I appreciate your vulnerability but I only want it, if it’s not coming from selfishness.. because I talked to you the other day. I thought I was strong enough to talk to you and then I woke up and all these emotions stirred.

I don’t want to do life without you. It makes me sick thinking about doing things with someone else, that I did with you. While I’m sitting at Cracker Barrel ordering my usual with a guy who thinks I’m into him..I just wanna laugh.. and cry
Because it’ll never be the same.

I just wish you find that healing in God.. I pray for you every night. Because with God our wounds could be healed and if we had the maturity to do what’s right maybe one day we could meet again. I know that isn’t possible without God though. The first step to that is walking into a church. It’s not hard..

Honestly I don’t know what your doing. You could be doing it already.. I don’t go on your social media it scares me..

But I do know that this sucks. Sometimes I feel like I can’t breathe..

But what sucks even more is not allowing yourself to live. I’ve written texts, I’ve written blog post and then I over analyze and I delete it all and I’m tired of doing that. I just want to live. I just want to do me, stop holding back. So here I am, back on this blog writing a letter because I know it’s to dangerous to say it directly to you.

So I’m livin my life and I’m bettering myself and it’s not for the hopes that one day I’m back in your arms but it definitely will always be a wish.

People just don’t understand you & I…

But I stopped fighting.. because I’ve always been the only one after a fight, fighting. To keep us together and I’m not doing it anymore. If you want me you’ll fight more. Not for me but to better yourself. Because all I want is for you to be in a Good place and for the Lord to be in your heart. & I’ll see action and I’ll see changes and if we ever get to a place where we meet again, I’ll know.

If not, I know God has someone for both of us.
I just hope if that’s true he makes me forget about you…