Dear, Sam

I’m writing you this letter because after today there’s a chance I may never see you again. I may not live another day to tell you everything that I wrote on this letter. I still care about you a lot and I know there’s no words adequate enough to apologize for all the things that I have done and said to you and the words “I’m sorry” just doesn’t cut it.

I need you to understand that I’m not saying any of this to make myself feel better and I’m not saying any of this because I feel sad, lost or lonely because I don’t. This isn’t me trying to convince you, trick you or persuade you so that we can get back together. That’s not what this is. I’m not going to throw all of my emotions at you and I’m not going to ask you any questions. I know you think you can’t trust me anymore and you have every reason not to. I just want you to know that all of what I’m saying is the honest truth. These are my last words to you.

I’m so sorry for ever holding you back from living and thriving. I can only imagine how deeply hurt you must have felt for sacrificing so much of your precious time when I know you would have rather done something more fulfilling with your life. I was really selfish, clingy, needy and ungrateful because I wanted you all to myself all the time and I never thought for a second of telling you to go out and live to your hearts content. I was casting a big shadow on your life. You were a flower that needed to bloom and you needed the sun to live not the moon.

I was really insecure and jealous and I know that made it very difficult for you to make friends and to do what it was that made you happy. I’m sorry that I insulted and attacked you through the phone and I know that really hurt you and there’s nothing I can do to ever take that back. I just want you to know that I didn’t mean any of it and you didn’t deserve that.

I know I pressured you to do things that you were uncomfortable with and I called you out on so many things that weren’t necessary to bring up, specially things from the past. I was angry for stupid reasons and I didn’t mean any of it. I’m sorry that I invaded your privacy and I said some really stupid things that made you uncomfortable. I contradicted you a lot and I’d make you feel bad only because you disagreed and I wanted to be right even if I was wrong, which was very stupid and childish of me.

I know it must have been very difficult for you to put up with me and my emotions. You really tried to be there for me no matter how upset I was. You always believed in me and you tried so hard to encourage me to move forward and I will always be grateful for everything you’ve done for me.

I want you to know that I’m not looking for pity, sympathy or empathy and I’m not looking for forgiveness either and I know all of this and what I’ve done and said is too late to make up for any of it. I understand all the reasons why you don’t want to be with me and why you left. This break up was a good thing for the both of us. I hope your life works out and that you’re happy because that’s all I ever really wanted for you.

I’ve learned from my mistakes and I stopped feeling sorry for myself along time ago. I finally feel more of my real self than I ever have in a long time. My emotions are finally under control. All of my insecurities, jealousy, impulsiveness and every other negative thing that used to be me is gone. I no longer feel toxic to myself and everyone around me.

I know that I was really broke most of the time and you helped me out so much by helping me get by. I barely had any money, no direction, no plans, rarely any friends, no respect, no hobbies. I was stuck in a loop and I put you in it. I got tired of being so broke and feeling so sorry for myself all the time, so I turned my life around because I saw what I was becoming. I no longer have any worries now. I don’t have to worry about money anymore or life being so scary down the road. I’ve changed so much and I will never go back to the person I was before.

I hope that your life is full of happiness and that you find yourself someday and that you find what it is that you want most in life. I’m so grateful to have known you and for letting me be apart of your life. I’m grateful for everything you’ve done for me. I will always be grateful for you believing in me and sticking beside me even when I was at the lowest point in my life. I’m glad to see that you’re doing what makes you happy. You’re glowing with so much life now. I know you’ll go places and do great things someday.
I will always love you even if I never get the chance to tell you again.

Yours Truly, Mario