As time is going on and our lives start growing farther and farther apart, I just wanted to let you know that I still think about you. Some days can just haunt me with memories. The most simplest things can remind me of you in a heartbeat. Even looking at my own dogs reminds me of how much you loved just sitting on my floor and petting them. How your eyes lit up every time you came over in general. Then it reminds me of the first time you came over. How we just sat on my couch and just laughed, both at and with each other. One memory after another rolls into my head, like a snowball that just keeps getting bigger and bigger. Then I remember, all of that is gone.
I lie awake at night just thinking about everything we went through. Both the good and the bad. I laugh at the good memories one minute and then I start finding the lips of my laugh turn into my mouth as the teeth bite down on those lips. Then I start feeling the tears start creeping up through my glossy hazel eyes. They start flowing slow at first but then, they just become a waterfall that form a pond in my palms. One tear after another just rolling down onto what was once, my smiling face, that now has turned into a face that has been flooded with the deep emotions.
You were one of my best friends. My go to. My reason to feel good about myself. We had a special bond. We can’t say we didn’t because we did and we can’t deny it. We were each other’s biggest supporters. You gave me confidence and strength. You spoiled me with both gifts and compassion. Every time I had a down day, you were always the one to cheer me up because you knew exactly how to. You bought me flowers when I got bad news and just for fun. You would make suprise visits to check up on me when I felt like I was at my weakest points. You gave me light when I thought I lost mine. We were so comfortable with each other. I gave you all of me and put trust in you that you wouldn’t judge, and you didn’t. You were my second home. You treated me the way any girl would want to be treated… But the thing about you, there was another side of you no one else really got to see, except for me.
The bad memories are what stop making me cry, and then I start realizing why everything happened. Why I broke up with you. Why it’s so hard to move on. Why I am so much better off without you.
Fighting was the death of us. One fight after another.. At first, we were all good, everything seemed to be turning out for the better. Then you started showing your true colors more and more. The fights we had, were all because of you. What you didn’t like. What you didn’t want to hear. What you didn’t understand. And some how, they were always turned into me. Like I did something wrong. You getting upset with me when we couldn’t hangout was our first fight, and sadly, out of many. You accusing me of making up excuses not to hangout with you. Putting me down because I had sudden plans that popped up and I couldn’t just go hangout with you. Then you actually thinking I didn’t want to hangout with you.. Are you serious? But hey, if you had sudden plans and we couldn’t hangout anymore, I would say “That’s fine. I completely understand babe.” “I get that plans change.” “No worries :)”. Then getting upset with me because I was wanting to join track. Saying “Why? Do you not want to hangout with me? I’d really like to spend more time with you now that basketball is over with.” I get that you wanted to spend more time with me, I truly understand that and I wish I had more time to spend with you.. But I wanted to make myself strong. Get more involved. Be adventurous and push past my goals. Go farther then I thought I could go. But nope, you wanted to keep me there. With you. Just us two.. Us against the world right? Wrong. It’s me and me still trying to figure out my future. Trying to better myself. Trying to understand, well, me. I was going to make my own life, with or without you. I wasn’t going to just drop everything that I’ve been working on for you. I’m only a junior and you, a senior. We both have a whole life against us. And I don’t know about you, but I want to try my best and making my life, a damn great one.
So the whole sad thing about this whole break up is .. I fought for you. I fought to be with you. I fought. That should say a lot, huh? Well I guess it doesn’t now considering you’re hangout with your ex now. And I might as well add, the ex I held you get over. The one that broke your heart so damn much. The one that left you, for another guy. The one that left you, completely heart broken. But hey, I was there. I was there to try my best and pick up every last damn peice of your broken heart. I helped you through the days that you said you didn’t want to be on this Earth anymore. I was there for you when you needed to let your emotions out because they were eating you up on the inside. I helped you get over her, or at least I thought I did. That’s why we became so close. That why we started dating. That’s why we did all the things we did. Because you knew someone was there for you. I put you above me and you used that to your advantage.
You used that to your advantage until I had enough. Until I was completely done and broken. God I didn’t want to break up with you. I wanted to hold you as close as I could. I still care about you and I still like you. It hurts me to see all my effort that I put into you. All of the late nights staying up to comfort you. The grades dropping. All of the stories, secrets and memories, be thrown right back at me like I did you wrong.. You always said you were the one that seemed to care more. But you barely put in effort for me. And when the time came for your chance to fight for me. To win me back, you just left. You walked away and the last thing you said to me was “Do whatever you want.”
So, I did…
I broke it off. I realized that my life can’t be held back by some you because you said you cares and that you were so lucky. Those are just words and in my opinion, actions speak louder then words. Now that we aren’t together, I’m able to do whatever I want. I started talking to more people. I gained a hell of a lot of new friends. My old friends and I have gotten closer. Im hanging out with people that I never thought I would ever talk to. I’m living a life for my own and it’s looking grand.
So I just wanted to say… Thank you. Thank you for all the memories. All the time we spent together. All the joking around and laughing so hard until we cried. For being my best friend when I needed you the most. For helping me stay calm when I was nervous about my dumb speeches I had to give for speech class. For offering to help me out when I was struggling. But I also wanted to say thank you for showing me what kind of man I really do need in my life. For helping guide me a little better on the way to finding my future partner. For showing me that I deserve someone that will treat me better then how you treated me. So thank you.. For everything you did.
For this last passage, I just wanted to say.. I hope you have a wonderful life. I know you have the potential to be a great man.. I will always be proud to say that I once called you my friend, best friend and boyfriend. I’m not going to lie, I’m going to miss you and it will make me sad to know that I miss out on some pretty amazing things that will be in your life. But I will always be happy for you and your achievements, like I was before. Just work on yourself and get better. Then you’ll be able to do amazing things. Never underestimate yourself. Never forget who you are. Life is too short to let people bring you down. Life is beautiful, enjoy it while you can.