I let you go when I should have pulled you into me.

I let you go when I should have pulled you into me.

I let you go when I should have pulled you into me.

LTME-postDear Autumn,

I hope this letter finds you well. It was so nice to hear from you yesterday after all this time. Your call was so unexpected that it was all basically a blur to me. There is so much more that I wanted to say but didn’t have the time. My emotions were running so high and goosebumps began to show all over. My heart was pounding super fast and I was about to fall out of my chair. I know we discussed getting together to catch up soon and I really have so much to tell you about what’s going on with me and I can’t wait to hear what’s new in your life as well.
But, before we meet up I must tell you how I truly feel so one of us doesn’t end up getting hurt. I still love you. These past 6 months have been the most trying times of my life. Everyday you are on my mind when I wake up and roll over and your not there snuggled up with your cat to when we would go to sleep and I would kiss you goodnight and say I love you. You’re not there. It is the most lonely feeling I have ever felt even being deployed for months and not seeing anyone I loved other than my Marine Corps buddies. All I want is to hold you and never let go.
Why did we let this happen? We loved each other so deeply and our passion in the bedroom will never be forgotten. We kissed everyday. We said I love you everyday. We made love. From the first time we met at your friends party and I saw you and you saw me we were inseperable we even kissed each other goodbye that night. Why are we not happily married?
Let’s look back it will be tough but, you can do it. My bad habits drinking every night, smokeless tobacco, not going to bed with you, being anxious all the time, not considering you in major discussions, moving away for work, taking a job at night opposite of your schedule, waiting so long to declare my love for you, and being unsure about us led us down this path. The constant fighting at the end pleading with me to change or you were going to lose me went ignored. When I finally lost you it hit me. This is not me being needy and this is not me trying to get you back.
I told you that night I came home from work and found you crying in our bed that I wanted to breakup too after you said it. I think about what I said that night every single day. I told you that I needed to work on me and you wanted to find out who you were without me. You stayed for 2 more weeks and instead of keeping you here I let you go. When you moved your furniture out it hit me. I was too late my chance to save us was gone. Coming to terms with this has been the hardest thing I ever had to endure.
Since then I have strived to become the best version of me. I have lost all my bad habits and put down the bottle and have become disciplined again. No more being lazy, sleeping in, making excuses for everything, no more caring only about myself, no more video games, and staying up late. I have found myself again! I work full time and started my own business that I do on the side after my regular job and am making a great income. I have set a goal to buy a house by the end of the year, pay off all my debts, volunteer as often as possible, and live a healthy lifestyle. I have lost 40lbs in only 6 months and have accepted Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior.
All of these things you asked of me while we were together I have done. My biggest regret is not having you there next to me to live these changes with me. My biggest fear is that there has been to much pain for you and you could never accept the best of me there is to offer you. This is not me being needy this is why I want you to consider me as a life partner.
I don’t EVER want to go back to the way I was. I want to challenge you and have you challenge me to be the best we can be. I want to stand next to you not behind you or in front. I want to be your protector and make you feel safe. I want to fall asleep next to you. I want to live on you and cheer you up when you have had a bad day. I want to buy you nice things and bring flowers to your work. I want to take you to my Church and hold your hand throughout the service. I want to dance with you on the dance floor and in the rain. I want to fall asleep with you in my arms. I want you to go to my doctors appointment and do couples counseling. I want to laugh with you. I want to cry with you. I want to experience the bad times and the good times with you. But, most of all I want to hold you and pull you into my arms and tell you that I love you and never let you go.
I know that it is easy to write all of this down and make it sound good on paper. I know that it’s possible you have moved on. I know it’s possible that we will never be. I just can’t let you go without you knowing I am ready to give the best of myself to you whether that is as your friend or as your lover.



1 Comment

  1. Lilly 6 years ago

    Dear Justin,

    I’m not Autumn, but I just wanted to say your letter touched me. You remind me so much of my ex-boyfriend, always promising he would do the inner work, and never doing it. But I congratulate you, not many challenge themselves to gain better self-knowledge. I teared up reading this, because I wish someday he will write a letter for me too, to have the burning realization of what he let go of, to search for me in other women, only to be shaken by the truth that there is no one else like me. My guy hurt me so much, by always doubting our relationship, yet saying I’m the first person he’s really loved and sees me as a life partner, by being narcissistic and insensitive with his comments, by being moody, by telling me he doesn’t like girls who are too done up, with the fake lashes and the plastic surgery, and then shortly after shows interest in a girl just like that. He told me he has low self-esteem, but I always embraced him with all his flaws, but he was never able to embrace mine. I never disrespected him, I never yelled at him like some other girls do, I gave him the freedom to do his own thing, I engaged with him on subjects that he was interested in, tried to show support in his career, even when it came to him relocating to a new city, there’s just so much…

    I think most women, like myself, want the man they love to fight for them. I hope you get a chance to get back with your girl. And if you do, re-read your letter from time to time. Appreciate her, engage with her, show her you care with – actions rather than words, get her flowers for no reason, be attentive to what she says, what she likes, support her.


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