Trying to understand

Trying to understand

Trying to understand

LTME-postDear you,
It been a week now since we were together. It all unfolded on Christmas Eve. Our first Christmas together. I remember how happy ( with tears) I was when you came back from Chicago with our first Christmas ornament. It made me feel like I haven’t felt in many, many years… if ever. I couldn’t wait to put it on the tree together. Especially when you said that for years, you were the one who did all the decorating in the house and your other half didn’t help. I felt for you at that time because you said you loved Christmas. We decorated together and put the tree up. I was on cloud nine during that moment. We had such high hopes for our relationship. We talked of being together forever. Heck, we talked about everything and anything. You allowed yourself to be vulnerable with me and I embraced that and you. I tried very hard to make you feel as important to me and loved by me on the outside as you were inside my heart. I told you I loved you everyday, how beautiful you were, how strong and smart you are etc, etc. I did this because it is true. I did this because I wanted you to know what you meant to me. Every human being that is loved should hear these things on a consistant basis.

Enter Christmas eve…..
I didn’t hear a peep from you on that Saturday. I had gotten so use to the morning text messages saying Hi, I love you, that I knew in my heart something wasn’t right. I knew that you had lost your mom recently and that your only grandson was states away from you and you desperately wanted them to come down and surprise you. I felt so bad for you. I felt bad because I know first hand how this feels. I tried to be supportive to you. As the day went on, I still didn’t hear anything really. I then knew that something was wrong. I was at work and had to keep myself together for 12 and half hours. God knows how hard that was for me. When we finally spoke I could hear in your voice something wasn’t right. Yes it was Christmas, yes it is hectic, yes there is a lot going on at that time. But I was so worried and scared about us. My tone probably wasn’t great, I didn’t mean any harm. Like I said I was scared and I was worried. Mostly just scared I guess, if Im being true to myself. You told me to come on over….if I felt like it. I had never heard you phrase something this way before. We hung up and I called you back because I needed to hear that you wanted me there. You said, I want you there. I came over later after getting cleaned up. We went to the neighbors house and the alcohol was flowing. I instantly felt the distance in the room. I instantly felt that something had drastically changed. I kept running through my head, what I had done wrong. As the night went on, we really didn’t speak. I remember complimenting you in front of other how naturally beautiful you are. Im sorry if this embarrassed you. But you are. I wont apologize for that. The night continued to unfold. You disappeared. I was scared and worried. I came to the neighbors house, came in and found you and a neighbor upstairs with you extremely upset. At that point, I knew in my heart it was time to leave. I never ever should of came inside that house. I wish I could make it rewind. I cant. It was totally out of character for me to do that. I left, went home, grabbed the kids and your presents and brought them back. I left them on the front porch bench, next to your house keys. I knew at that point you didn’t want me anymore for whatever reason. At that very point, my heart broke in two. I was devastated. I came back to try and talk to you and had to have a neighbor tell me you didn’t want to see me. Embarassing to say the least. But, understood nonetheless. I was gone and this was your out.

Christmas a.m., you showed up at my house and dropped the presents on my car windshield and left. I remember knocking on the window hoping you would turn around. I remember you running back to your car looking straight ahead and driving off. Heart broke turned to devastation at that point. I was so hoping for a wonderful Christmas with you. It wasn’t the fact that I expected you to be responsible for my Christmas, just that I love you so very much that that was all I needed. Was to be wanted and be loved. To show my love and appreciation back to you. For I would of been exactly where I wanted to be. It didn’t happen that way. I am not angry at you. I don’t hate you. After stepping back, I could see why you did the things the way you did them.

I still had hope that this was just some kind of weird situation that would be worked out. I believe in love over everything. I know, weird for a guy I guess. But I am who God made me. Then I found my clothes next to my car along with my mothers ring I gave you to wear. I was pretty much numb at this point. I don’t know really what happened other than I made one mistake.

I really just want to set the record straight on a couple of things that are important to me. I can honestly say that I never, ever represented your house as mine. I always referred to that house as Donnas house. I have no earthly idea how someone could tell you or misconstrue that fact. It didn’t happen. I would never do that. Even if we were to live there together, I would be part of that house. Not my house.

I am very sorry that I told you that I had a hit on me from some disgruntled inmate who is oblivious in my life. I was just trying to share my work with you. I should of never said a word. I guess sometimes honesty isn’t always the nest policy. But I will still continue to be honest to you, myself and anyone else.

I wish I could understand the cold feet part of it. I didn’t ask for your hand in marriage, I didn’t ask to move in, I didn’t pressure you to do something you don’t want to do. I was content and happy to have things the way they were and if things progressed a certain way, then we would handle it accordingly. I understand the issue of being stretched too thin between work, friends, family, kids etc. Been there, done that. Got that t shirt. 🙂

Lastly, as far as any lifestyle things you chose to participate in. I could of cared less. If it wasn’t hurting you and wasn’t hurting anyone else, who am I to say or judge. I love you just the way you are. I didn’t fall in love to change you or force my opinion on you. Not my style. I loved that talks we had on the front deck. The talks we had on the couch. I love touching you. Rubbing your feet, your shoulders. Making you feel like the only woman in the world. I believe that is what a man should do out of love and respect, always. I did these things because I wanted to. Because it made you feel special and it made me feel good to be able to do those things. You told me in bed that night when you were in my arms, to please not hurt you. The look in your eyes and the way your face was will always be etched in my mind. Your were at your most vulnerable. I embraced you, held you, told you I would never do that. I meant it then and mean it now. I fell in love with you all over again in that very moment.

I wont contact you further. Im not a stalker or a creeper. I love you more than you know. Way farther than the moon and back. I still love you and always will. If you change your mind. Im here. With arms open no judgement no opinions. I will continue to work on my goals and wont stop til I achieve them. Thank you for loving me.


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