There are many things I wish I had the strength to tell you at the time, but I wanted to make it work. I avoided confrontation and fights because I thought it was quite obvious you were drenched in insecurities and logical reasoning would come through if I was patient and helped work through these with you. I was terribly terribly naive to imagine a mind like yours would grow. I let you control me, I lost my friends any guys I had built good friendships with because I let you strip down my beliefs and I questioned myself. I questioned myself and my well rooted being I’d worked so hard to nourish and I lost, because my own insecurities poisoned the home I’d built.
No one will ever love you if you have guys as friends it makes you seem flirty. No one will ever love you because you’ve slept with too many guys. No one will ever love you because you drink. No one will ever love you because you’re not trustworthy. The list continues and with little to no evidence in backing things up but the false reality he chose to live in built from his insecurities.
Yes I was so over having sex with you it became a grin and bear it experience. I mean you torturing me for a year drove away my sanity but I let you. The madness of a guy saying hi to me on the street as you yell “did you fuck him?!”. The fucking ludicrousness I dealt with and I took like the fucking rag doll I was the emotional abuse the 198 phone calls (I wish I was exaggerating about) because you came to another insane revelation that I was sleeping with someone else. I spent every waking moment with you I wasn’t in school or at work. I mean when would I find the time to cheat on you, I’d have to really commit to cheating on you, and isn’t the idea of cheating built up on commitment issues a little?
There are so many more things like when we went to the pool for a soak and you told me I was checking everyone out and I just love checking guys out. After leaving and screaming at me the whole car ride home telling me the pool is a place people come to fuck. Seriously go there during swimming lessons and try not to get arrested saying shit like that you freak.
The insanity that is laughable and honestly I thought was a joke half the time was actually your waking reality, and if you didn’t destroy me in so many ways I’d still be there holding you in your hurt like I did because it honestly seemed like a very scary place you lived in. I had to leave and protect myself it wasn’t safe anymore and I had already gave you too much of me I lost myself.
I wish you seeked help or you can still do it because that’s a dark place you reside.
If it makes things better shortly after you I met someone else. I told them I wasn’t ready for anything and needed to rebuild myself. They insisted, and in my new bleeding and torn being shooken from us they told me they wanted to show me how I deserved to be treated. I fell for it. 8 months now and I am in love with an addict who isn’t far from the shadow of you, you didn’t break me fully I guess there’s still more to shatter.
Don’t wish me a merry Christmas or send cute things we used to do together. I left because I didn’t want the way you loved me, and I don’t want this familiar way I’m stuck in either.
Fuck you, and fuck emotional abuse and fuck not loving myself to feel like enough.
-Q