I still think about you, and when I do the word revenge couldn’t sound as sweet. I would link all of my mental instabilities to you but that wouldn’t be fair.
I’ve tried to let go and get over it and move on quick like you’ve seemed to do, but it always leave me stressed out looking for a future.
Living without you mortified me, I couldn’t think of giving myself to anyone else like I did you- (at least I felt I was open).
You’ve showed me some things I was blind to and helped me open to new ways of thinking. At first I didn’t craved those new ways of thinking, and I sometimes still crave your Gmessages, sometimes I wish I could go back and change the things I felt like I could, but it’s over now.
Trying to live day to day without having thoughts of you was hard. I’d block out all my experiences, my connections, and everything that was suppose to help me get better.
Lately I’ve been feeling like I’m degenerating rather quickly than I should. I use to want to blame it on you so my responsibility wouldn’t be as huge, but now I know I’m the owner of where I get in life.
Slowly and surely I’m understanding the real keys of life. My development might not be a quick but it’s slowly looking good. The way I’m going, I’m learning to understand that even if I’m in this alone, I have to always rely on myself to get things done.
And on a side note: Reprogramming can be hard because first you gotta deprogram but not impossible, it just takes depletion of old habits. It’s learning to rebuke old unhealthy judgments of myself, and overlooking the anxiety of embarrassment.
Could I ask you a question?
it’s probably one of the most hardest questions to hear, because of the predicaments of foreshadowing, and the never ending answers.
I remember I use to hate it if I was asked that, but it was only to learn.
to help me understand. and to help me understand you and connect with you.
But this is my letter to you and those questions have become a statement to me.
Memory lane: I tried to listen to you but I come up shorthanded. -im a southpaw anyhow, so that should let up the blame.
I tried to understand you not knowing it was hurting me. I stop writing my souls cry and tried taking life by the edges. I came up short in a far distant run. I gave up on myself, accumulated weight, isolated myself, checked into hospitals, and became a monster. But your not all to blame that is what STRESS can do to you.
I use to think that I lived life to fully, or that I was ahead of the game until I met you. And it showed me that in fact like any other average human I was doing the best I could.
You’ll probably never get this, but writing this helps me comprehend all details I missed when I was with you, my illogical thought patterns that contributed to a heartbreak and mental shutdown, and regathering of thoughts that’s once made me who I was proud to be. (If I ever was).(Just kidding).
In all thank you I can’t really be too mad at you and too immature to apologize for all loss times and loss causes. I’m relearning regrowth and that’s part of becoming the young lady I am. (Set to be).
With or with you , you’ve taught me what you were set to teach, thank you!