Dear Ex lover or should I just say lover because it’s obvious that I’m still not over you. Don’t get me wrong, I know more than anyone that I shouldn’t even be worried about you anymore, but I still am. I mean it’s not like we even dated and the more I say that aloud, the more I realize how stupid I am sitting here writing this letter that you will never see or even know about. When you broke things off between us yes I was hurt and yes I did cry because believe it or not you were my first, my first actual crush, my first almost boyfriend, you were my first. I never expressed to you how much you meant to me…how much you mean to me, even though we are nothing more than acquaintances I still want to be with you. I feel like I can’t escape you, no matter how hard I try , I can’t seem to go one single day without seeing you, someone asking about you, or just hearing your name in the halls. I constantly think about moments that we had before everything came crashing down, and to be honest I still don’t understand why you called things off. Now I’m not just going to sit here and pretend like everything was just peachy between us because that wasn’t the case at all. Yea we had our troubles but somehow the good outweighs the bad. Lately you’ve been confusing me, maybe not intentionally but I keep overthinking everything, driving myself insane. For the longest time I cried because you hated me for someone else’s actions and there was no fixing that or should I say there is no fixing it because deep down inside I know that you have some false knowledge but you’re too stuck up in yourself to talk about it. When I explain to my friends everything that happened they all tell me to forget about you and to head for the stars and never look back but I cant help feeling like all the stars are behind me . I’ve told a couple f my friends about this stupid gut feeling that I have, this feeling that we belong together but…the stars OBVIOUSLY aren’t aligned, from what I see, you’ve moved on, you’ve got your life figured out and I feel like at this point I’m just lurking in the shadows, hating from the outside of the club when I can’t even get in. I saw something on your snap the other day that I can’t get off of my mind , it leads me to believe that I have no choice but to forget about you but its not that simple, the smallest part of me still believes, the part of me that is holding on for dear life just praying to not plummet into a massive mess too big for anyone to clean up. You’ve been talking to me more than usual since you called everything off, I don’t know whether to be happy or sad, because just when I start to move on, you come back like a heart attack. I am conflicted in more ways than one and I don’t know how to deal with this, sometimes I think I’m bad at love but I have to take into consideration that you and I are both broken but that doesn’t help the fact that I should’ve said something to you when I had the chance. Often times I blame myself for our fallout, I should’ve spoken up, I should’ve showed more affection, I always think “all he wanted was to feel loved all he wanted was to be loved and I couldn’t give that to him” but after beating myself up about it I come to the realization that…that was al I wanted to, all I wanted was to feel loved, I want to be someone’s everything, I want to make someone happy, and that is where our problem was. Both wanting to be loved but both scared of love, scared to get hurt, got us nowhere but in a circle in our relationship . I knew how to fix it, I knew that all I had to do was be the bigger person, all I to do was step out of my comfort zone, expand my horizons, treat him exactly how I wanted to be treated and I would receive the same in return, at least that’s what I was hoping for, but doing all of that, being the bigger person also meant that I would have to put my feelings aside yet again to please someone else. I’ve been putting my feelings aside for everyone else all of my life, and if it was one thing I wanted out of that relationship it was to feel like I didn’t have to hide my true self or filter my emotions, to feel completely comfortable with you, and you couldn’t give me that. There’s two sides to every story and I am very open minded, I know that you probably felt the same but neither one of us wanted to say it, neither one of us wanted to admit it, because we thought that we wouldn’t understand, and maybe I’m wrong, maybe you didn’t feel that way at all. I guess what I’m trying to say here is I wish we both would’ve been straight up with each other because I feel like we could really be something together, something great but there is still time, I’m just scared to make the wrong move and get myself hurt again.