I am in love with you. I never stopped loving you; I was angry when I said I “didn’t trust you, therefore, I couldn’t love you” because the stress had caused our lives to go up in toxicity. We could’ve worked through it and come out stronger than ever. I made a mistake. I could’ve been more supportive. I could’ve given you a glimpse of my love for you, so maybe you would’ve seen something worth fighting for again. I just thought you didn’t love me anymore, but we loved each other from the moment we saw each other and there’s no way a love that strong; a love that had already survived so much, could end. No, the opposite of love is apathy, but we were mad.
I made a mistake and I’m sorry. I’ve sent an infinite amount of “I’m Sorry” out into the universe, hoping they all will find their acceptance in your heart. It’s irrelevant now, I suppose, but it needs to be said, if only because I feel through to my soul. We broke each others’ hearts, but I could’ve saved us if I hadn’t lied and said I didn’t love you. You had hurt me, so I wanted to hurt you, and I fractured us and caused irreparable damage. I’m sorry; I love you. I never stopped loving you. I’ll never stop missing you to death. Your mind, your humor, your kind soul, the way you made me feel safe no Matter what was happening. I could go on and on about your perfection in my eyes. You loved me perfectly. I just stopped seeing it; I was focusing on all the wrong things-things that don’t really Matter-I was so wrong and I’m sorry. I’m so sorry I hurt you, in all the ways I might have hurt you. If I could take it all away; go back and budge just the slightest inch to be the first one to speak; to let you know we still had all the hope in the world, I would absolutely go back into the past. It was worth it; you are worth it.
I broke down crying in my shower today, thinking about you and what we lost. You and the entire world probably thinks I moved on seamlessly; almost instantly, but you left a void in my heart that no one-not even an entire City-can fill. You deserved a better version of me, and if you’ve found her, then I do hope you will be happy. I always secretly thought you were better, even smarter, than I, and for a long time I was intimidated by you and I guess I became resentful of something happening only inside my insecure head.
I have not been happy, but only a precious few know the truth. I’ve called out to God many times for help. He just might be teaching me a lesson. Nobody can take your place, ever. I love you; I’ve loved you from the moment I saw you and I still love you. I miss all of you, not any trips or adventures, just you. I could go on trips around the world and never have as much fun as I would with you. Never. The moments I miss most are the simplest ones, where we would just talk and learn each other’s views on everything. We got off track with that, but we could’ve gotten back. If only I hadn’t been complacent or stubborn. I could’ve compromised more. No matter what kind of veneer I can polish up for others to think I’ve moved on, inside my heart will remain in agony.
These are all the things I wish I would’ve told you-All the things I wish you would’ve known, that can only be said, I suppose, when it’s finally too late. I realized I always loved you, so very deeply, and it’s too late. Oh, the irony of pride.