When I met you, I was a mess, you were a mess and we collided in a way that only to messy people could, clinging to each other for comfort in a world where we felt we didn’t quite fit, but with you, it fit.
3 months of bliss and then you got busy…always busy, be it with work, your studio or your friends, I got left on the sideline, but it was too late, I already loved you, so I excused your behavior of always forgetting me when you brought me flowers, or threw me a breadcrumb of love, love which I realised was no good for me, because I didn’t love myself.
Then I got sick. The world was crashing down around me and you were there, picking me up of the floor and holding my hair.
But even then you were distant, because you were trying to do everything at once and I still didn’t factor into your world, I was not enough and you could not give me your love, fully wholly unconditionally, as I have given you.
Because you do not love yourself either.
For one and a half years, I fought in the dark for a boy who could not see the light, you loved me intensely and this changed seemingly overnight.
We had a beautiful Christmas and then you became cold and unhappy, you said you didn’t know how you felt anymore and gave me the oldest of lines…”I love you, but I’m not in love with you”.
Even during our break up I treated you with kindness, you continued to leech of my love, when you were broken from leaving me.
And I let you.
You said to me today that it really was that your feelings had changed, when in all actual fact, I feel that you had taken all you could from me and it was time to move on.
You told me that you hoped you could be better to yourself, so you in turn could be better than others…why are you apologies still about you?
It’s been 8 weeks, my love for you is still there and it makes me sick.
You do not deserve my love and energy, because you did not think I was worthy of yours.
I am worth so much more than you will ever know and one day, when the thrill of being able to do what you want and do who you want wears off, you will look around and remember the girl who bought you flowers once a week “just cause” and the girl you entertained every thought and artistic venture you had with patience, love and support and the girl who was okay to wait for weeks whilst you “sorted yourself out”…the girl who waited on the sidelines, loving you all the time, even in your darkest moments.
I truly wish you all the best, I know when I see you again (impossible not to, considering how small our town is and I am not willing to move over a broken heart) I will treat you with all my kindness and compassion, not because I love you, but to show you how people should be treated every single day.
I am letting you go, with all of the love in my heart, because I do not need you anymore.
I forgive you and I want to forget you.