April 6, 2018
You thought you had gotten rid of me, didn’t you? Well, I actually have some things to tell you. I can’t fit everything I wish I could tell you in one letter, but I’ll try to fit all the important stuff.
I’m writing this more for me than you; it’ll supposedly give me closure (more than you did anyway).
I’d like to start by saying that I hope you’re happy.
Those seven months we had were great, maybe not in that last month when you started shutting me out. Maybe our relationship could’ve made it through that hardship (or at least ended the relationship as friends) if you had just talked to me instead of shutting me out then blaming everything on me because that was a dick move. And then I didn’t text you for two days after we agreed to be “friends”, and yet in those two days, I lost your trust? You wouldn’t even tell me how. Me! The person who only weeks before, you would have told anything to.
I’m sorry we couldn’t get through the hard times and I’m sorry I made you “uncomfortable”. I’m sorry my “mental health” needs work, and I’m sorry you didn’t want to deal with that anymore. I get it, I wish I didn’t have to deal with it either. I wish I could break up with myself and walk away from these problems, but I can’t, and that’s why I’m such a “bad person” I guess. But you probably know that better than anyone else, I mean it’s why you broke up with me after all. Anywho, thanks for putting up with me and my “issues” for so much longer than you probably should’ve.
Every second with you was worth it. And despite everything you and I said to each other in those last few hours of this “relationship” and afterwards, I still hope you find the person of your dreams, someone with less “problems” and more confidence, someone who is less “hypocritical”, and someone that can keep you happy longer than I did. I wish I could’ve been that for you because you should know that I’d give anything to be with you. You say I didn’t care about you when obviously I cared more than you ever could and more than I should’ve cared in all honesty. I mean, the first “hard time” we were faced with, you took the quick and easy way out, and that wasn’t very fair of you.To be honest, I think it was you, who was the hypocrite.
You know, I should say thanks for being such a great person 24/7 when I apparently wasn’t.
I wish I could’ve said that I hope you over me quicker than I do you, but I’m too late, you probably already have. Meanwhile, 3 months later, here I am, still reminiscing about our failed relationship.
I really do hope you live the best life you can, now that I’m not there to stand in your way anymore. Thank you for not letting me do that anymore, “stand in your way” I mean.
Oh yeah, remember how you said that I didn’t care? Well, I’d like to point out that you can’t say that it really hurts you to see me, especially not as much as it hurts me to see you. You can’t say you had nightmares about me and wake up crying every. single. goddamn. night. for months, like I did. And you can’t say you bawled your eyes out every single day even weeks after breaking up like I did. However, secretly I hope you did show at least a tiny bit of sadness about the breakup, to prove that you cared even just a little bit.
You know, I guess I function best when I’m on my own anyway. But it’ll still be pretty hard to go on without you and still have to see you almost every day and not be able to talk to you at all. But you know what they say, “love is one powerful hell of a drug”.
Did you know that when I think about you or see you, most times I feel like I can’t breathe and my chest tightens? I basically have a full-blown panic attack (and since you don’t have personal experience with anxiety and panic attacks, and you really don’t understand it very well, considering you didn’t show me much sympathy when I told you how anxious I had been feeling, you should know that panic attacks can be really painful and uncomfortable).
I hate that everything I think or do relates to you in some twisted way. It really kills me inside. You have this unintentional control over me; you influence everything that I do, think, or say. I pray that my life isn’t always like this because it is so depressing. And trust me, I’m already depressed enough as it is (you know this quite well actually. You did tell me to “get some help with my mental health”, which I assume includes my depression). I am trying to get over my depression though, however, having EVERY little thing remind me of you is seriously not helping at. all.
Maybe you’ll actually be happy to know that I’m not doing very well, I mean from what you said, it sounded like you hated me for whatever I did, so maybe hearing that my life is pretty horrible at the moment will make you feel somewhat better about yourself…
I knew I shouldn’t have “caught feelings for you” because let’s face it, I’m me. I should’ve expected you to break up with me sooner or later. But when you came along, I threw all my reasoning and common sense out the window. So anyway, thanks for wasting my time and breaking my heart. I really enjoyed the heartbreak part especially; who knew it was possible to actually feel my heart break in half?
You know what? I also owe to you the fact that I don’t think I ever want to be in a relationship again, because if it hurts this bad when I’m inevitably left behind, then I won’t purposely put myself through this again. My heart (more importantly, my inner-demons) can’t take it.
I also owe to you the fact that I can’t trust people to stick around anymore. Before I met you, I already thought that, but you promised to stay, so which gave me hope that at least I had one person who would be there for me when I really needed them, but I should’ve expected that you would leave me too just like all my other closest friends. Believe it or not, I actually have a really hard time making friends; I’m not usually very social. I’m quiet and I like to keep to myself in any kind of social situation, mainly with people that I don’t know very well, or don’t talk too much anyways. That’s why meeting you was so odd because I was a completely different person, I was being myself around a stranger. You were just a stranger then, but for some reason, I felt an instant connection with you. It felt like we had been friends forever and I could tell you anything. I’d never really felt like that before. But I shouldn’t have been so naive as to expect that a feeling like that would mean that we would have a somewhat long-lasting relationship.
Anyways, I’m going to wrap this up by saying that for future reference: 1. you should know that ending a relationship with “Have a nice life.” is literally the WORST thing you can say, 2. If you’ve been with someone over six months, you could at least have the courtesy to A. tell them the real reason you’re breaking up with them and B. at least break up with them in a call, because a text break up is really unclassy, and finally, 3. you don’t have to be a complete dick and pretend to hate them, because they can see right through that bullshit.
I didn’t write this letter just to cuss you out though. There are some other things I wish I would’ve told you when we were still on speaking terms. I know you cared, I just wish you hadn’t made it seem like you didn’t. You didn’t have to become so hostile and shut me out. I knew you, I wasn’t some random person asking for your deepest secrets, I was me, asking for a reason for our breakup, like any person who got dumped would, because truthfully, I really did love you, and I hated knowing you were slipping through my fingertips without even knowing why.
I still miss you. Missing you is like treading water, sometimes, I can manage to stay afloat, but other times, I’m drowning.I’m not gonna say that I’m happy without you, not yet at least, but I seem to be thinking about you a lot less than I did about a month ago. And now when I pass you in the halls, instead of keeping my head down and fighting back tears, I’m fine looking straight ahead, smiling even. This doesn’t mean I’m forgetting you and our relationship, because I could never forget you, I’m just coming to terms with the fact that you’re not in my life anymore, and you probably won’t be ever again after this June. I’d like you to know that despite everything, you will always be my first boyfriend, and my first love and nothing could change those facts. Sometimes I think maybe I’m finally over you, but then I see you again, and I see how not-over you I really am. I wonder if I ever cross your mind at the same time you cross mine, although most times you don’t just “cross” my mind, you stay on it for what feels like an eternity.
I hope this letter can finally give me some peace, although you’ll probably never actually get to hear it.
Last but not least, I’d like to have the courtesy of telling you to “have a nice life”.
your ex-girlfriend/ex-best friend