So I did the last of the hard work. I wrote you a letter, sent it off, and apologized for my part in things. There’s a lot I didn’t say in that letter. I didn’t tell you about the new lady in my life. I didn’t tell you about how I carry the memory of our time with me, and I don’t know how much to tell her about you. She hasn’t asked much beyond our first date, where I told her that we held onto each other long past the point where we should have let each other go, which is true.
I’m falling in love with her, slowly, over time. What I want to say to you is that I hope you don’t think that my feelings for her are somehow a reflection of my opinion of you. I still love, respect, and value you even though we don’t talk. Any sexual desire for you fled the night in the car when you put your hands on me, but, I’m sure you’ve figured that out by now.
I wish we could have found a way to be open and honest with each other. But, I suppose, maybe you were right when you said we just weren’t meant to be. I sometimes still desperately wish for an apology from you, or, at least a basic acknowledgement that my existence has value meaning and purpose, beyond our relationship and our time together. I guess, asking or waiting for either of those things is now an exercise in futility.
I have my limits beyond which I don’t think it’s right to impose on your time or your life. Hence this letter, where I work out a couple of things. I know you’ll never see it, and I can trust that here, even though it’s written for everyone, these feelings and thoughts will remain anonymous. So, that’s why I’m writing.
To return to the present, and my life now. I’m falling in love with her, slowly, little by little. She’s an amazing lady. I look at her and everyone else in the world falls away. She’s kind. My heart skips a beat, just being with her. We’ve been going out for a couple of months, and no, we haven’t slept together. I know it doesn’t matter to you, but, well I would like you to know that the year I spent in Illinois, I was celibate, and I didn’t sleep with anyone until I found out you bought a house with someone.
I’ve learned my lessons from my time with you, and I don’t intend to cheat on anyone, especially not this new lady. She deserves my whole heart and all of my affections. When we decide to be intimate with each other it will, hopefully, be a mutual coming together of two people who want to come together as equals. I am so, so sorry that she will get parts of me that you always wanted to have but never could. In the beginning of our relationship I was too broken to understand, and by the end, I felt as if the things I should have given freely had been taken by force.
But that’s how it was with you and I. We each of us took turns victimizing the other, and, perhaps, if we had known how to see each other in love and mutual respect it could have all been different. I love you and I still think you’re beautiful, even though I know, I have no desire to engage in a relationship with you beyond friendship. There is too much trauma at the heart of our relationship to each other. All I can do is pray and give it up to God.
Beyond these things, what sticks out most clearly is the kindness of my new partner. We’ve seeing each other once a week for about twelve weeks, and in all that time she’s never made me feel like I was less than her. She takes my heart when she holds my hand. I trust her. And, perhaps most importantly, she lets me be a man, on my terms.
I hope it works out between us. I hope that in her eyes and in her heart that I will be able to be a kind, loving, and supportive boyfriend, husband, and partner. If I was talking to you right now, I would want you to know that my relationship with her is in no way indicative of you or your value as a person. There are more things in heaven and in earth than are dreamed about in the books I read. Her mom and my mom passed away on the very same day. I’ve never felt about anyone like it was meant to be before, but I look at her and I think about how we interact, and I think that with her it just might be. But, as I said before, please don’t think that any of this is a sign that you are somehow worth less than her.
We went through so much together that the past couple of years not speaking with you has been some of the hardest time I ever did in my life. I have honestly tried my best to process my feelings, understand our time together, and heal before moving on to this point. All I want now is to know that in some small way you are happy with your life, and that you have found the peace and the love that you so richly deserve. Go with God, mia puella, know that wherever you are, I pray for you. You gave me so much, and I wish, somehow, that I was able to give something back to you. But, I suppose we must live with our regrets until the day when God gives us the chance to make restitution.
For now, and for always, take my hand, let me kiss your forehead, and know that for all of my faults I am remain thankful for the years we spent together. May you find a way and a path as you turn your heart toward home.
All the best,