God it’s been so long since I even thought about that name, and even longer since I’ve talked to you. There are so many things that I wish I had of told you while we were still together, or even the time we spent talking while we weren’t a couple.
You started out as just a friend to me but we quickly became something more as we realized we both felt this unreal connection to each other. Everything was great, that is until it wasn’t. We spent 3 years off and on with each other both of us fighting for a relationship that seemed to be doomed from the start. We talked about getting married and starting a family together, all the things that for the longest time I only saw myself doing with you.
I didn’t want us to break up, although each time it was my doing, but I had to do it for myself. You were ruining me and I couldn’t even see it. Without even realizing it you made me into this person who could only rely on you and I hated it. Each time we broke up you said you would change, that all of the questioning and jealousy would end but they never did. You always had someone in between our breakups which should have been a sign that you didn’t love me as much as you said you did, while you were with other girls I sat at home crying trying to figure out what I could do to fix us. I loved you and I didn’t want to let that go. Each time I thought I was doing so much better, until you’d come back and tell me how much you missed me and how you couldn’t live without me, and I felt the same way.
The last time I think was the hardest, you hooked up with one of my closest friends and that killed me I felt betrayed by two people I loved the most. I almost expected things to go back to normal, you’d break up with her and tell me you missed me like all the times before. But you didn’t.. You still called but now it was to tell me how we couldn’t be friends anymore. How she didn’t trust you around me. Our phone calls became secret as you cried to me about how miserable you were with her and how you’d leave her if you thought I’d take you back for good this time. Then the calls became non existent, I forgot the sound of your voice. I knew then that we were done.
We both eventually moved on. You’re relationship with her became just like ours, on again off again until just like us you were over for good. The two of you have a beautiful little girl, and went through two engagements before decideing that you were done. As for myself I’m now married and a little girl on the way, it took a long time for us to get here but my husband and I are both really happy. He knows that a part of me will always love you, and he’s accepted that because he knows that the part of me that loves him will always be bigger.
I wish I could tell you that I didn’t break up with you all those times because I didn’t love you anymore. I did it because I loved you too much, the love we had was toxic and I needed to learn how to let you go. And I couldn’t do that with you telling me how much you missed me all the time although it made my heart soar to know you still thought of me. Most of all I wish that I could tell you, you were my first love but he came along and made me believe in love all over again after I’d convinced myself that it never existed.