Dear D,
It seems that you were over me the moment that I hugged you goodbye in the parking lot, tears dripping down my face, body shaking. Looking back, you had two months of contemplation before you actually left me; however, I was blissfully unaware at the time. The cruelty of the way you slowly let me go is what sticks with me more than anything. You pushed me away and left me feelings so alone, all while promising you loved me just like you had for months before. I understand that we are both young, but you knew that you meant the world to me. I thought you were perfect; I wanted my future to be with you. I wish it wasn’t too late to give you all the poetry I wrote for you, you would have loved it. I know how talented you thought I was and you would have cherished every word I wrote for you. Now, I wish it wasn’t too crazy for me to give you the poetry I wrote in the middle of the night, drowning in the memories of us. I’ve always been good at expressing my negative feelings in a beautiful way, maybe that’s why I cherish them. In reality, I think i cherish these feelings because they’re the only thing tying me to you. I’m sure you expected this letter to be about her. What I’m sure you didn’t expect is my calmness and level-headedness. I know that might sound silly, but you knew how fiercely I loved you. I guess you do know me well, even now. I do want to talk about her. I don’t blame you for being with her. It’s obvious that I cannot be mad at you when you were the one who left me. The issue of betrayal is between me and her, because she was my life long friend. I also assume I do not need to tell you how messed up is does feel, seeing myself replaced in less than a month by the one person I worried about. No matter how much I loved you, I should not have let you walk all over me. The history of her and us makes it cleared up a lot. I wish I would have left you last December when you broke my heart. You know what I’m talking about. The night I stayed at Syd’s while the rest of you went to her house to get high. But when I saw you again I had no tears for the way I felt, I only cried at the sight of your tears. I told you if you did that specific thing again, I was going to break up with you. I wish I left you over the summer, after your bonfire at her house. But I didn’t. My threat held no value because I loved you too much to leave you, no matter what you did. I’d rather mull over my heartache and see another day with you than leave it all behind. It’s funny how our relationship has always revolved around her. We started dating at her house, I first cried over our relationship due to the cheating allegations between the two of you, and all the picture of the three of us- like a love triangle. I would have been worried sick over the two of you if it were not for the way you loved me as well as a secret you told me. You said you were glad that I was never with E because you promised yourself never to be with anyone who had been with him. When I lost the ring my brother gave me, I had you help me look for it by the tree I had been climbing in my front yard. I couldn’t find it and started going inside. That’s when you found it and told me never to give up on things I love that easily; and yet, you let go of me without even letting me know there was ever an issue. I remember a lot of things you probably don’t. Like the one time I actually feared you. It was because I could see true anger in your eyes, and I felt fire dripping from each of your words. I’m sure you’ve forgotten. You were angry because you felt like you’d hurt me, and that’s what you feared the most. All the months of your stories, songs, and dreams of the future, do they mean nothing to you? I still have so much love for you in my heart, it’s been four months and I don’t know if my feelings are acceptable or not. Like you said once, if you’re the one to break up with someone you have no right to cry over the breakup. It’s that simple statement that lets me know that you do not miss me. You waited until all of your love for me was drained, and only then were you able to cut ties with me. Even though you said that, you’re friend told me that he thought you’d miss me eventually. That’s back when I told myself I couldn’t let you see the heartache you gave me because- I don’t know why. Maybe I thought it would give you power. So when your friend asked me how I was, I redirected the question at how you were fairing and told him why you wouldn’t miss me- pain dripping from every word. But I’m sure J didn’t mean this question because it turns out your friends aren’t all mighty either. He, just like her, had been seeking something that had not been a real option for them because we were together. He even tried telling me that I should be with him because I was his first, but he proceeded to tell me he wanted a girlfriend but not me. No, J only wanted me for sex. M left me for Mi and when he came back I felt like I wasn’t what he needed because I wasn’t Mi. As you can tell, replacing you is not a potential way to get over you. In a letter you gave me, you told me losing me would be one of the hardest things that you’ve ever done. Tell me, why did you lie to me? Or do you really suffer in the same way I do? I’m sure you don’t. I still steal glances at you and melt at the sound of your voice just like I’ve done for the past two years of my life. Even before I was with you, everything was still about you in my mind. I felt hopelessly in love with you, minus the love. The love came with time, just as expected. I have secrets too, my love. There was something I wanted to tell you, something that made my heart weep, something I hid so deep inside that I almost always denied its existence. This secret, I almost told you. I was so close to telling you, and now I wonder if it would have broken us or held us together. I have so many things that I wonder these days. All of them about us, always us. And her, I guess. I mean, I wonder about her and how losing me feels. It must not feel like much, I’m sure that you noticed that after you left, almost everyone I cared about followed. Maybe everyone had a realization, maybe I was too broken to let people in my life.Whatever it was, it hurt like hell. But, it does not make me crazy, although you liked to call me it. I was not crazy, all I was was crazy in love with you. You knew how much I cared. I told myself you would never find anyone who would love you the way I did. That’s true. I know that even now, you are with someone who doesn’tt love you even half as much as I still love you. Loving you did not make me crazy, losing my friends did not make me crazy, but losing you has made me a prisoner in my own mind. If you have ever had the right to call me crazy, it would be now, in this moment. No matter what you’ve done to me, I have not gotten over you in the slightest. But I know you will no longer be calling me crazy, because you do not concern yourself with me in the slightest. I would have wished you a prosperous life, ease around every corner. But because of her, I wish that you remember me, the depths of my love, the lengths I went to to please you, and the way it felt to fall asleep in my arms. Remember me because I will never forget a second of our story. Even now, you are my world.