Here we are once again, 11/13/19 was the last diary I wrote its crazy
because i have some since 7/27/19 our last break up and I called myself 
an idiot till this day. I still know i am. I gave you second chance like
really i told myself i would never give second chances and here i did.
Wow well i cant say i regret it because I don’t. I fell in love again that was
my mistake.

On November 1st you texted me we were gonna meet up so we did. i
got out of work and you came to me LIKE you came to me. MY heart melted when i saw  you and pulled me in for a hug for a minute i forgot it was 3 am. I was honestly scared haha even Alex noticed it i was scared to talk. I was scared bc i knew things were gonna change ever since the day you called me drunk, that phone call changed everything. I wasn’t even thinking of you i was moving on.

Anyways we got in the car talked honestly i was scared we were cuddling which made me a little calmer but inside i was shaking. I was scared of getting hurt again. I told myself no second chances you will end up hurt, well i guess my little pep talk didn’t help. It turned to 4am we talked a lot you asked for everything i did when we were broken up and you were not happy haha i made you laugh a lot but then again you made me laugh too.

I told you i didn’t want to be a booty call i told you i wanted something. You told me to drop my hoes i told you no you weren’t my boyfriend then you asked me to be your gf which i said yes. I shouldn’t have said yes i wanted to take things slow, another thing i told myself but i was happy i was with you.

1 month passes we are doing great , Month number 2 comes me and Bryan bump into each other we texted a lot but i reject obviously, why
would i take him back I’m happy with you. Our 3 month comes and thats where our relationship takes a turn we start arguing more. angel becomes a threat to you and i didn’t want anything to happen to you, actually we fucked for the first time it was great but then you kept wanting to do it , meanwhile i didn’t it would get to the point where i didn’t and you would get mad and thats one of the reasons why we ended. i never took you for that type but i guess i was wrong .

You would also start pinching more and i had bruises. I even teared up once bc of it and you said it hurt you doing it and you would apoligize . Then one night i couldn’t take it we argued twice in the matter of hrs the same day wtf i felt so useless i felt like maybe i wasn’t enough like you were tired of me and just wanted me to break.
IT FELT LIKE I WAS A FUCKING TICKING BOMB AND YOU WERE JUST PUSHING EVERY BUTTON FOR ME TO DO IT.

Now i cry every hour and i understand now that you will never be the guy i knew and got with on Nov 2. I get it people change but its like you switched personality and now i just wonder was it real, did you really love me, did you really want to marry me one day or was it all for games and you fooled me just to fuck i wouldn’t be surprised. I just hope one day you text me you want to talk and tell me what you really felt.

I hope you know i think of you everyday i wake up feeling like I’m missing a part of my heart as if i need superglue for the thousands of broken pieces.
I want you to know i miss you. i know i ended it i know i did i also know its for the best even tho you are already talking to other girls even tho you don’t miss me i feel like my heart is broken and i know its ok its going to take time and I do get it it just hurts sm when i heard you were already talking to someone, almost like the person you wanted to be with this whole time was her, i was just the side piece. but thats ok i made a mistake giving you a second chance letting you fuck. thats alright its my fault its just now i go to school and see our spots and i just start crying i see the places where we would just hang out and its hard i know i did it for a good reason i wanted to be there for your progress in everything body, education , and work .

To me you were the one person who pushed me even when i didn’t
want to be pushed and i know in the future you will do everything we talked about , kids the first kid named pablo haha, a house, a farm haha with wittle goats and travel the world i hope whoever you end up with cherishes those moments and i hope you know i love you not loved not will love but i love you. You were my first in a lot and it made you happy which made me even happier that those firsts were you.
I’m crying so bad while writing its currently 3am the other day i was about to text you good morning bubbas thinking me ending us was just a bad dream but i look and it wasn’t.
My mom and dad knew how much i loved you. My dad keeps telling me he never got to met you and maybe it was for a reason my cousin said he “fired” you haha and my parents said good.
ahah jeez i miss texting you these things i miss you telling me to get off tiktok but i made the hardest decision but i loved and lost thank you for everything Paul. I don’t expect a text or call from you because of this letter i just want you to know how i feel .