A letter I will never send

A letter I will never send

A letter I will never send

It’s 4 in the morning. I know i need to sleep. Of course i am missing you . I keep thinking about you all day and all night still. I know probably in some distant future i won’t think about or love you as much. I love you but i am starting to feel like you are my past now. I am accepting this is over and that, you weren’t not the one. You weren’t the right person for me cause two people are only right when they chose each other again and again everyday, against all odds. I love you even though you don’t love me anymore , you moved on, without me. I wish you knew how precious love is, genuine kinda love , the one i had for you, the one you took for granted.

You have mom that loves you too much and is always up in your business and your dad loves you so much and your sisters are so good to their precious little brother. You got friends you don’t deserve, as in they are better friends to you than you are to them. You got love, you are surrounded by love , still you don’t love yourself. You try to act confident cause you think it will fool people thinking that you don’t have issues with your own self esteem. Your whole fake confident approach to life makes it hard to read you at first but i have analysed you (at least i tried to ) but i know you. Well not at the very end of our relationship tho but i will get to that later. Point is, you were surrounded by love so you didn’t value the love i had for you, you saw it as my weakness, even though this kinda love is so hard to find.

I love with all my heart, i have my own issues with my family so when i saw a reliable kinda love, i made it my world, i nurtured it, cared about and for it, unlike you. You treated me like a prize, kinda prize that after winning you just put it in a shelf and come back to look at it to make yourself feel better. While you should have treated me as a plant, something you have to take care of, something you needed to value. at the end of our relationship, you were so self absorbed i could not even recognize you, i didn’t confront you much about it, cause you know how you react when i bring out a problem. You wanted a relationship with me on your term, completely ignoring what i want, what will make me happy. I compromised, and i didn’t even get some form of appreciation.

It’s a team work , Rashik, we needed to grow together maybe our progress wouldn’t be equal but we should have been growing together. I was willing to do whatever it takes to fix us, forgetting it takes two to tango. I truly believed my future is tied to you or it has to be cause i love you so damn much, but i now i realized my future cant be tied to someone who decides to walk away from me. You broke my heart, Rashik. so casually. I have come to terms with a lot of facts of the post breakup, though they make me upset but i don’t cry my eyes out anymore. I have come to term that there is no more us, or any kinda future, there is no more kissing you again, there is no more sleeping on the phone, no more you ,period.

One fact i can’t wrap my head around is the thought of you with some one else, you calling her honey, you replying to her texts immediately, you putting in the effort you never did for me, you got her  presents on her birthdays and was on time on your dates with her, you marrying her and having kids with her, waking next to her every morning, some days you are gonna make her tea and make yourself some coffee cause she likes tea and despises coffee, you never taking her for granted, and most importantly you falling in love with her more and more everyday. I hate the thought of some women getting the best version of you while i didn’t have that version.

I am moving on though, without, cause life goes on without you. Gradually it feels like the love i have for you, or the “you” part of my life is getting buried deep and deep inside the love i have for you is getting buried deeper everyday, yes if i ever run into you they will again emerge on the surface and if i see you with someone else, idk how i can ever control my urge to yell at you “how could you do this to me?”. I hope one day you will remember how much i loved you and you will hate yourself for letting me go. But that’s a you problem i try not to  think how you are doing now, since you decided to leave, to not love me anymore.

I spent so much of my time thinking about you, decoding your actions, i forgot how to take care of myself, i don’t know my passions and hobbies and i don’t have my hard working zeal anymore. I know i have to focus on me, and one day i would know exactly what makes me happy, i will think about myself all day and do things that will genuinely lift me up. I need to find happiness in my  solidarity, and through some trial and errors i will get there. Maybe not this Tuesday, but i am working on it. Few months ago i thought i could never live without you, i couldn’t spend a single day without calling you and look at me now, cutting all the ties and not looking back. Funny how we just adjust.


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