I’m not ok with this

I’m not ok with this

I’m not ok with this

Dear J,

I don’t know how to do this; to move on from you, it feels impossible. It feels like the universe is asking me to choose between one life or another; between love or happiness, because I love you, I’ve loved you since the moment I saw you from across the room two summers ago. I couldn’t describe the feeling that I get when I see you if there was a gun to my head, it feels like nothing I’ve ever felt , I’m not even sure if anyone has felt it before. It feels like I’m looking at the most breathe taking view anyone has ever dreamed of seeing but times ten. I get this feeling in my chest, I believe it’s my heart trying to jump out right into your hand or my soul trying to attach it to yours.

You aren’t perfect, I’ll say that, far from it.. you’re arrogant and rude and you never think about my feelings first, and when you do, it’s not for the right reasons. You’ve hurt me so many times and I don’t know why I let you do it, I’m digging my own grave with every message I send you when I am sad for no reason in the middle of the day, or when I reply to your message after I finally got the courage to not text you for 2 weeks. I can’t be your friend, it’s too fucking hard, I tried, I’m still trying, but it’s breaking everything I have in me… And you will never know because I’ll never tell you or let it show, I won’t let you see me hurt over you ever again. As far as you’re concerned this is the happiest I’ve been in a long time and I don’t spend my nights thinking, crying over and writing about you, no no, I’m just fine.

But I’m not, I’m not fine with this. 

-truly yours, 


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