Hey…
I have thought about writing a letter for a long time. As I sit here drinking my coffee this morning I decided to put that thought into action. It’s been quite a few years since I have talked to you. I’d like to start by saying I’m sorry. I know when we broke up it put you through a lot of pain and emotional turmoil. What I hadn’t told you is exactly what I treasure most now. My actual life, I have come to love it. While we were together, I lied to you. I made up a life that I thought I wanted. Painted a beautiful story of how I thought I wanted my life to be…I was wrong. I had been so broken and beaten down.

I read this beautiful quote the other day and I thought how much I related to it. That one day, if I got the life I was spinning this tall tale about that I wouldn’t be broken anymore. I would be more interesting, more awesome, better than who I really was, I would be healed completely. I was wrong. The piece I read said: “But it will be the most dominant part of you. Think of your body, if you break your shoulder, even after it heals it will be tender. It will be a sore spot. You will be careful with it. There will be a gentleness when you care for it. If you crack a rib, laughing will hurt and even after there is no longer a fracture, you may laugh lighter, just in case. You can heal, but it is okay to be aware of the parts of you that once hurt the most. The most important thing to know is that where there is tenderness, let there be gentleness.”

I have learned over the years to be a little gentler with myself. To find what I needed to do to be truly happy, with just me. So I did that, with lots of bumps and even falls along the way. I’m just shy of 30 now and I am living the life I didn’t even know I so badly needed. Being a little gentle with the broken parts and appreciating every day as if it was my last. I’m also married to a man who loves me for everything that I am and everything that I’m not. He sees me as the best even when I’m at my worst. No, I did not tell you that to make you upset. I told you because that is what you deserve, someone who will care for you deeply, and build on truth and love. Not some young girl who lies to make her life seem so awesome while she’s just broken inside and numb.

I am thankful for you though, for it was after we broke up that I actually started trying in my life. I hope this letter finds you or doesn’t find you, but maybe helps someone else make sense of things. If in the least it just helps me put the notion of writing a letter to rest then that is fine by me.