A black hole is constantly eating me. Right when I think that it’s over it then starts chewing on my remains, when the remains are consumed it keeps chewing on the remains of the remains. I am immortal. I don’t die, I don’t disappear, I keep existing, I witness everything, I go through it all. The time is paused. I am trapped in this period as much as I am trapped between the teeth. They keep grinding on me. I don’t resist. They all have names that I don’t care about. The biggest, sharpest one is called “a lie”. It’s poisonous. When it goes deep, it burns.
After all this time, it still burns.
It burns. I can’t tell anyone. It still burns. No one knows. It burns. And I’m alone in it. And it really hurts. It hurts.
Acceptance has come already. I did surrender to the hole and to all its teeth. Surrendered to the fact that it will hurt until it won’t. Funny thing is life. Sometimes, you take a risk then it blows at your face. You climb on a rope then it breaks. Risky. Letting someone in is risky. You know someone, then you don’t. Love, is risky. Didn’t I know better? Loving you was a great risk taken to begin with. I took, then it blew on my face. The rope is broken. I fell. I am trapped now. The hole is chewing on me.
I would take you back. That fact hurts more than the lie itself. What a fool I am. But also, what a fool you are. What a foolish lie that yours was. What a foolish way to end things. What were you thinking? I want no revenge but I hope that the black hole which chews on me eats your buttocks as whole. You would make a nice dessert.
In this letter that you will never see, I can’t admit missing you. Seems like I got some self respect after all. Good for both of us, I won’t jump into your arms when you crawl out of the hole you ran in then.
But do come back already. Hasn’t enough time passed? I look forward turning your life into hell for leaving just like that. Neither does time turn my heart into stone nor do I forget. The teeth keep biting however and the lie cuts deep. Meaning, I suffer. Meaning, you can stop it.
Meaning, stop it.
16 Comments
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I feel your pain.
Mine wasn’t a lie tho but a half truth. A truth I couldn’t bring myself to tell in full. The black hole you describe, is how I feel. It’s been too long and no sign of healing.I hope they come back soon or somehow stumble across your letter
Take care
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Anon,
Thank you for the kind wishes. The chances of my former partner reading this is almost non existent. Even if they do, they won’t know that I wrote it. I also think that the chances of them coming back is almost as equally low. I believe that they lied to not hurt me, but a lie is a lie and they must be feeling ashamed now. People prefer to move on from such bad experiences rather than returning back to fix the mess they created. I would be absolutely surprised if our story continued.I am not sure if you want them back, but if you do, I hope that things will turn out to be better. Best of luck.
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suppose it depends on what they lied about… pride could be the only thing standing in their way, now that you know they lied. Ppl try to fix the messes they make by making excuses for it, nothing will change until they are able to confront the issue itself.
The only thing I want for them is to live life to the fullest and be extremely happy. If that means our path never crosses again, so be it… I say that with a heavy heart but I’ve always only wanted the best for them
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Totally identify with this, your writing so specifically encapsulates all of what I have experienced also.
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How long has it been k?
Does it get any better?-
It’s been years, it gets easier. The wounds have healed but the scars remain. I don’t think we ever really stop loving the people we once loved. It’s always especially difficult to walk away from something where the only resolution to be had was the walk away.
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Perhaps the resolution that you chose was right for you at that moment, but given time and retrospective would you still have chosen to walk away? Was it never really worth fighting for? …
My whole truth never should have come to light. To place that into someone’s head, it wasn’t right. I know that now, but that was the only option left to be had.. who knows, maybe walking away was always going to be the right option in the situation. Let someone think the worse than know the truth
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I am sorry that you are going through this. I know that the pain is beyond the description of hurt. If you need to talk to someone who can understand and relate, feel free to write. I and others will see, respond. Not that talking about it always helps, but knowing that you aren’t alone can be helpful. We understand each other and we are together in it.
Hope it gets better.
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Walking away was the only path left after every other option was exhausted. I would still walk away again, except if I could do it differently Id fight for it less and walk away sooner. I say that with a sad heart.
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I guess that’s life. Everyone has a story and every story has two different prospectives. I can’t say I’d change much about mine except for how things ended each and every time… I would’ve still fought for it but not in the same way I did… mistakes are there to be made and if your lucky enough, you’ll have a chance to correct it
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And so it goes, try as hard as you might, it’s a last resort to spare one or both from being hurt further. I always wish I never had to, that things went differently, but sometimes, that’s the only option your partner gives you. Unfortunately for me, this came with a perpetual anger over the wasted potential of how things could have been, but hey, that’s life.
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There’s no point holding onto the angry of what may have been.. a choice was made for the hurt to stop and so it did. Don’t hold regrets for the choices that were right at the moment in time.. now is the time to find the true strength, wish them will and happiness.
Forgive yourself and them -
By saying “But do come back already. Hasn’t enough time passed?” I wasn’t actually expecting from my ex to return and try to earn me back. To me it seemed like there was little to no chance. Seems like I was wrong. If you are somewhere out there going through a breakup and hoping that your ex would return, I hope that it happens to you if the person and the relationship is right. If not, please protect yourself. I know that you miss and love that person. You may even feel incomplete without them but your peace and happiness matters more than anything else. Best of luck and strength to you all.
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How is the author of this letter doing? Better I hope.
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You’re saying let someone think the worse than know the truth reminds me of lyrics from a song; “I suppose I should be happy to be misread, better be that than some of the other things I have become.” Totally get that. Hope you’re doing better.
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I’m a fighter. No matter what this world throws my way, I’ll always get back up. The way my line should have been interpreted tho using lyrics
“I could have showed you all the scars at the start
But that was always the most difficult partI wrote some words and then I stared at my feet
Became a COWARD when I needed to speak
I guess love took on a different kind of meaning for me
So when I go just know it kills me to leave”
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