I wrote another letter but this time it is to hopefully help you in your journey of growth.
I noticed many things in my new relationship that made me came to a significant realization of our previous relationship.
Initially when you decided to had ended our relationship, I thought it was mainly your fault. The love you have for me was so great in the beginning, so how did it dim out? I thought, ‘What went wrong?’ Your reassurance of it not being my fault is what really paused on my own growth.
Being in a relationship with Justin had me going on a journey on to be better and be the best girlfriend. I started out on doing the things I deeply regretted in our past relationship, which was to do the things you wanted to do even though I deeply disliked it. He likes Kamen Rider and wanted me to watch it, I really didn’t want to but I did. It’s not my cup of tea but sacrifice shows love. He knew I didn’t want to and insisted that I could see if I like it after 3 episodes, but I then insisted to watch it, although I sometimes avoid it, I wanted to do that for him. I know I didn’t do that for you when you wanted to watch Clannad with me. I know there are multiple stuff that you wanted me to do but at the top of my head, Clannad is the only thing that I have remembered.
Another thing I deeply regret in our previous relationship was to spoil you as much as you did to me. I barely spent anything on you and was greedy with money. I only spent a lot on your birthday but I felt like it didn’t make up the amount that you spent over the 7 years we had. So I tend to spend lots of money on Yugioh cards for Justin (sometimes for me because I like to see if I got any good cards). I tried to avoid Yugioh but like in the previous regret, I slowly got into Yugioh and actually enjoyed it. I got 4 decks and cannot wait to collect more. I spent so much that he wanted me to stop and want to consider my own finances. Of course, he spoils me just as much. It might sound surprising or shocking to you because I was quite stubborn when it came to those type of things. But believe it or not, slowly his hobbies and passions became mines as well. You must’ve suffered so much, I’m sorry.
There are times where I noticed when Justin confronts my behavior and the things he has said are similar to what you have told me before. Like, how I don’t accept his love and disregards it. You know, the times where you would say ‘I love you’ and I would be like ‘no you don’t’ carelessly. He expresses that he dislikes it when I do that. So I have been trying my best to not say that. Sometimes I slip out of habit but I always try to reassure him that I always know that he will love me. Another example would be when I don’t take no for an answer and will persist things to be my way. He would point it out and it will get me caught off guard but I always think to myself if you ever felt this frustrated as well when I do those things. You must’ve suffered so much, I’m sorry.
Then the times I regret was when I would lash out at you randomly because I was impatient with you. I realized how much it hurts you but I did it so often that I was so numb to how you felt. When I saw how sad it made Justin when I was upset, it broke my heart. Vice Versa, when I broke his heart when I am down, I loved him so much I didn’t want him to feel that way either, so I rather carry my burdens on myself and deal it on my own than to share it with him. Now I realize what you meant when you didn’t want to share your burdens with me but you took the burdens of mine to relieve it because you loved me. You must’ve suffered so much, I’m sorry.
Now, things between me and Justin is great. But being experienced in relationships, I don’t want my hopes high until the 1st or 2nd year of being together. It’s where the real test is. So I am making sure that he is ‘the one’ before any commitment because he says within the 4 years, we would get married. Who knows. He might be my last or he’s someone that I learned another life lesson from. But for now, I am content with him and looking towards what has yet to come.
One of the things I learned and love about Justin was that I am able to give input in our relationship. Where I have a role of him given me an opportunity to help him. I give him helpful suggestions and he does it immediately and it shocks me because in our previous relationship you would take days, weeks, months, or not even do it at all. I would be mentally drained or stressed every time I confronted you about this because you refused help. I expected Justin to keep it in the back of his mind and then do it later or even forget about it but he does it immediately and then happily and genuinely thanks me. I feel so happy when he does that and I really don’t have any reason to feel bitter towards him or whatsoever. He makes me feel included in his personal life and I feel so close to him because he shows that appreciation by telling me without me having to tell him anything about that. I cannot honestly think what I have done to help or benefited you in any significant way. And for that, I suffered.
I know we did not do this in our relationship. But I would be fake mad and then hang up and reject Justin’s many attempted phone calls. It’s really nice to see that because it touches me that he cares for me as to how I feel and doesn’t want me to leave upset or sad. I can see it can be annoying for him but I explained as to why I love it and will stop doing it for his sake but it gave me a realization as to why I loved it. He fought for me and it was something that I wanted. I wanted it because I felt like I was worth fighting for. Which could explain as to why I always feel as if I wasn’t enough for you. I would remember the times back then with our relationship that I would tell you to fight for me but you done nothing. I would suffer a few days with no calls from you and then come back to you by calling you back, wanting you back. It was always the worst feeling for me because I always told you how I felt. And every night gets worse because that you don’t call whenever we fought. It felt like you didn’t care enough unless things gotten to a bigger deal where I would suggest that we should break up. It shouldn’t have to even come to that point. I was not your motivation anymore. And for that, I suffered.
I hope you don’t think I have completely changed into some saint. I still have a lot more to do to better myself. Some of my nasty habits rubbed off on Justin and he does it back at me as payback. You know how I’m mad at the littlest things for no good reason for fun. So Justin pretends to be mad at me and we both laugh it off.
In conclusion, it was not you who ended the relationship but it was the both of us. We slowly drifted apart without even knowing and no matter how much we tried, it was too late. We were too comfortable with each other by that time and we cannot help but act out of habit. It was getting unhealthy and toxic even though we tried to deny it and had more good times than bad times. We were driven into two different paths in life and that’s fine because we wouldn’t have grown if not for this. Most importantly, I apologize Anthony for being a hypocrite and a brat. I needed to take responsibility for my actions. I don’t want to lay this all on you where you think for the rest of your life that our relationship ended because of you. I know how you think of yourself sometimes. It’s not all your fault. I hope your journey is going well and I wish you well.