Dear Adam

You arrived a mess and will remain a mess. You jumped on my back without a second thought. You never heard a word I said until it was too late and I shut myself down . Whether I’m wise or foolish for this is still up to debate. You dragged me down whenever I reached out to others and broke my trust more times than I can count all the while making me feel like I was at fault while I told you what was up . You twisted it and never let me go and once I gnawed ya apart you still blamed me as if I didn’t try.

I wished I’d never met you again specially hearing you’ll end your life if we end. Of course we’re ending and I wish I could convince you otherwise I wish you’d leave. But you came into this relationship with nowhere to go what would change? I wallowed in the dance with my self destruction while trying to make you smile and secure. Then you pushed me back into the arms of my darkness and showed me I should never dance with another again especially when I said I was done the last time. It’s over and I wait for you leave waiting for you to to realize we can not be for I am the lesson and never to reap the reward of lessons learned . Sounds self filling and selfish and even if it’s true it’s still true.

You pushed and swallowed me and when I forced you to regurgitate you fought back . I lay on the floor after another gaslight waiting for you to leave in tears and frustration wishing I’d never met you. You tell me I’m the only one but your actions and words say otherwise. You remind me of the kind things you’ve done for me sweeping it under the rug later as though you never rubbed my nose on the secret shit pile you laid. You pretend like you’ll never love again and I’m it, you’re nothing without me when I wanted you to be someone with or without me.

As I take another shot of jack a few more pills another night outside my bed in the car I paid off to get away, wishing I didn’t have pets and plants to take care of so I could make a clean get away , I wonder why I agreed why I couldn’t have said no why I didn’t find another job and leave when you locked your aim on me . Why did I stay? Why did I waste our time. Why don’t I myself just die and make the universe right again. The process has been like peeling skin away at the nail bed and then sewing it back on without pain killers. I’ve driven to the border of this state and back home again where I want to be but you are there almost everlasting and I wait like a vulture for you to reach my level and set me free again so we can go our separate ways.

I call your bluff and raise you twenty , you think you know what self hate is should I show you what I mean? No . I’ll lie and wait for it to be over because it doesn’t matter in the end and I know you’ll find another. And maybe carry the lessons I’ve taught you to better your next relationship. I wish I’d never met you. And I wish you’d never met me.  I scream from within myself but we all have to own up to our actions I suppose and you are the greatest life lesson so far.