Dear ….

I understand you are suffering due to your financial issues but that was no reason to cut me off.  What did I do wrong? 

I was there for you as a friend. We spent several months together. You would text me night and day. You came to give me a massage when you found out I had a stiff neck. You showed you cared. What was all that? You waited till my midnight time (when i went to my country) to be the first to wish me a happy birthday. It was a lovely sweet 4 minute voice message. 

We made love and you convinced me that you were attracted to me and that you cared. You communicated with me and left me voice notes if you couldn’t message. What happened? 

I let you stay in my place over summer whilst I was away. Was that the only reason why you were making an effort with me? I thought you cared and valued me as a person, as a lover, as a friend.

What happened? The minute i landed- you panicked and you disappeared. I got off the plane and you were gone. No where to be seen. To pick the key from the security guard was humiliating. Why couldn’t you give it to me in person? I came back to an empty place; only an innocent bird sitting waiting to welcome me. A tear in my eye. After all that excitement, waiting and longing to return and you were gone? Why? What changed? 

You told me you were stressed, that you needed space. I pushed you to tell me more in person and you said “right now, because of the stress i have no feelings.” That was all i got. You were gone.

I was left confused, bewildered and anxious. What happened? What changed? If you were stressed, you could still talk to me and share it. Why didn’t you? 

I thought we were close. I thought we were friends. You claim to be loyal to your friends but why not me? What did i do? Was i too eager? Maybe i texted too much? Maybe i should have played hard to get? 

You told me right to the last minute that i was beautiful but then why did you leave me? You knew i wanted you in my life. We had both even discussed marriage and that I’d wait till December. Why did you flip the switch?

Is it another woman? Weeks and weeks of confusion- I finally decided that i need to move on. All the red flags told me you were gone. I download a dating app and reactivate an old account…the third profile that i swipe is…YOU.

I go ballistic. I hit the roof. I’ve never felt such anger before. For the first time- I swore at you in my screenshot message at you. You denied it and said it was an old account. I’m not a fool. It was new. 

Months have gone by. I haven’t forgotten.  You left me. You abandoned me. For what? Someone better than me? What was it about me? My age? The way i dressed? I have been left feeling insecure. But i never made you feel like that. I could have also been shallow and disliked you. Your big nose. Your saggy skin under your neck. But i saw past all that. I didn’t go by your appearance, by the way you dressed. I didn’t judge the fact that you are jobless. I wanted to just help and support you. Even just emotionally.

But you left me. You can’t answer my calls. You can’t reply to my messages. You left a few things in my place. I waited for weeks before angrily throwing them out. Sorry, not sorry. You owed me a little money. Nothing big. But you know that. I thought a good muslim man like you wouldn’t rest until you paid off your debt. 

How could you just leave me unanswered. Where have you gone? Don’t you know I am crying.

I am trying to leave you alone but i think about you every second of the day.

I’m not stupid. You wanted to find someone else. Someone more beautiful but you know what? Not everyone is kind and caring like me. That new girl will want financial security and can you provide that?

I know you will come back. You know you will come back. Even if it is just to return the small amount you owe me. I didn’t want to remind you of that. But it is the only connection we have now. 

Small change. 

You are gone. How worthless are my tears? They mean nothing to you. I told you i will leave the country. No response. You don’t care.

The truth is you’re no longer interested in me. I can take that but tell me. Don’t ghost me. Be a man. Not a coward.

You will never tell me the truth. I know you will roll back to me. You think i will be waiting but i won’t. 

I’m leaving.