I need to write this down since, apparently, it still bugs and affects me. You were the first person I let into my life as close as you were to me. You were the first person I was intimate with and the first person I showed feelings for. I did not expect from you to stay with me or love me for a long time or at all really. All I expected was that you would respect my feelings and vulnerability and that you would act in a way that wouldn’t hurt me. Now, it is not your fault that it is hard for me to trust people. But you know that this was a big deal for me. However, as soon as you were not content with it anymore and you did not get anything out of it anymore, you did not care about my feelings and how your words and actions would affect me. You treated me like I was in your way, like you did not want me there. But we were in MY house. You did not want to talk to me, you found some stupid excuses why you were acting that way, you bluntly disrespected me. You told me I was just more prude than you because I did not care about “chances I might have to make out with someone” while apparently, that was all you were about. You acted like I was doing something wrong when in fact, you just did not have feelings anymore, and that was not my fault, that’s just how it was.
And like I said, I never expected much from you, just that you would be honest with me. I literally told you that. “Please just tell me when sth is off or you’re not happy anymore.” Instead, you acted that way, then avoided me for almost a week, made everything about how you were feeling, so fucking tired from all the traveling. Yeah, that must have been extremely exhausting. Then, when I called you for the second, or third? time and made it clearer that I was getting upset, you actually made it over to my place to tell me that you did not miss me and that we should go our separate ways (“do our own thing for a while”). What you missed out on telling me was that “doing your own thing for a while” meant being with someone else. When I actually asked you if there was someone else, and explicitly did not just ask about a hook up, your answer was: “No, please don’t think that. I had enough CHANCES, but that would not be fair to you. Not everything in life is about sex.” So instead of answering my question, you avoided it, again, and acted like I was in the wrong for asking you and making it about sex, when I explicitly did not make it about sex. I wanted to know if there was someone else, because I had the feeling that you were with someone else on your mind. And hey, surprise, a couple months later you move to China to be with your girlfriend. Oh hey, I remember you called me from Malaysia when we were still together, telling me you were sharing an AirBnB with a girl from the US who lived in China. I knew something was there, I could see it in your eyes.
But you know what, just because you disappointed me, does not mean I will become a jealous idiot. I wasn’t then and I won’t be now. If someone wants be with me, they will be, and if someone wants to be with someone else, they will be. Nothing I can do about it. Not saying that I was perfect, I had no clue how to be a girlfriend and maybe that played into it. But we were definitely not meant for each other either way. And that’s ok. I just wish you had been as honest and transparent with me as you always said you were. And now I’m sitting here, writing this down, almost 3 years later, because it still bugs me, it still hurts me. Even though I don’t even want you, I don’t even have feelings for you, I didn’t even think we were good for each other back then, let alone now. But you hurt me and it still hurts and I don’t know how to get rid of that feeling. So this is not for you, to give you my attention. This is for me to get rid of you. Because honestly, I know that you and what we had together for a few months is not fucking worth it. I wish I would have had the self-respect to tell you these things back then but I was too ashamed that I had any feelings towards you. So now I’m stuck with it and I sure don’t have the balls to actually send you this letter and let you know that this is still on my mind. I don’t want you to know that you have this ridiculous power over how I feel. I just hope this helps.