Dear A,

Thank you for breaking my heart. You honestly saved me from hating everything and destroying my life.  I may not remember the last 2 years of my life, but I presume that it was pretty bad if you wouldn’t answer my questions about my past and what happened with our relationship.

Honestly, it was difficult to be unaware of what happened to me in the last 2 years, but I got many of my answers as to why I lost my memories.  I had dissociative amnesia due to PTSD, and it was triggered within the relationship and it was something triggered by my family. The therapist told me that I may never retrieve those memories again because I realized my brother, my sister, and I don’t even remember our own memories from our childhood because of our trauma. It didn’t help that I was on Adderall those 2 years being misdiagnosed so you, everything was more extravagant. Lol.  Life really has a way of doing things, huh?

Anyways, I’m glad it happened because for the first time in my life I didn’t want to kill myself; and that I wanted to live because I now know that I didn’t deserve what happened to me.  I’m not a victim anymore – I’m a survivor from the abuse I took and kept taking from my family, my ex-fiance, and my previous boss.  I thought that those were normal circumstances due to my upbringing.  

I’m so glad I met your family because I learned that it’s ok to cut off family from your life especially if it’s not a healthy relationship; and I’m so glad I cut my family off my life because I would never have felt this happy and content in my life. 

I really lost myself on Adderall and the PTSD.  I guess the person you met, in the beginning, is still here the one who liked cars, the one who’s not a Christian but goes to religious gatherings because I still think what they talk about is fascinating, the one who volunteers when I have the time, and the one who didn’t care if I was rejected or not.  Although, I’m not figure skating anymore (I was in the hospital for a bit due to my back. Lol. It’s a long story, and also where I decided about cutting my parents out of my life.), I don’t care about sex like I used to, and I’m not suicidal anymore but that may be due to being free from my past. I’m still figuring out if I’m an introvert or an extrovert but it seems like I’m more of an introvert now. 

Anyways, I still didn’t get any of my memories back and it wasn’t just from the Adderall but a mix of Adderall mania and dissociative amnesia (I realized my brother had this too since he has no recollection of his childhood due to his trauma too.); and I’ve tried remembering stuff but I can’t. The only thing I remembered recently was when I made cookies for you and your brothers for your birthday in 2019. However, I can’t even remember hanging out with Carolina, Raquel, nor Val.

I know you want to move on, and I honestly just want to know what happened in that year.  My god, I lived with you and I can’t even recall moments of things. I’d just like to ask for just a moment to at least give me some of that and some answers as to who I was, what we did after work or before bed, and just simple things that I can’t recall. I would like to remember the good memories instead of the memories in the end where I was not sure what happened and who I was. I’m sorry that you have to go through this, but I hope you give me a chance to remember what it’s like to be with you – both the good and the bad.

Even if I don’t remember everything that happened between us, the feelings are still there for me. I still miss you and love you even though I don’t understand it.  I hope that you can understand the situation I went through, that you give me a chance to understand what you went through when I was unaware of what was happening to me, and that we can give this another chance. 
Sincerely, 
J