Damn I fell hard

Damn I fell hard

Damn I fell hard

I know you’re having a hard time but I want a relationship that is reciprocal. I don’t think that’s too much to ask. Right? I know I told you I’m willing to support you through your struggles, I was damn ready for it. Okay let me get this straight, your life is really a swirl of red flags but the stupid me was ready to look past it, I was there but it seemed that I’ve been only accepting the bare minimum from you and alcohol+smoking was getting out if hand, it’s crazy.

You’ve relapsed and I hate seeing you destroying yourself and your body. I am not going to change you and I have literally no plans on doing that, but i just cant lose myself again. 
I’m doing my best to hold on but I’m getting drained as the day goes by, and our get together plans started to be the my favorite time of the week, the only time I’m looking forward for aside from my dental appointments but then it changed to a feeling of burden and it made me feel uneasy for me.

I know you always say that I could just go if I want but it seemed like I was just the forcing myself to you and that you’re just lonely and you didn’t really see me as a partner. It was hard to admit that I was the only one who does the chasing, putting all the efforts. I know you were going through the pain of your divorce but damn John, you dated me. Why? How selfish can you be to bring someone in your life while you still have someone in your heart. I am torn between trusting you and admitting that you can’t actually deliver all your promises. Fuck you! 

I have anxieties too, I have trauma from my past relationships, but I chose to be better and be with you, I didn’t drag you down with my misery. Ugh fuck you! I fucking hate you. Now playing on Spotify: Sober by Gavin James. And WTF this song cued randomly while I’m writing this letter. AND Gavin is so right it hurts. “YOU DON’T LOVE ME WHEN YOURE SOBER.”
I’m not coming with you tonight. I can’t do this emotional chess you’re playing. My time, my love and energy are my valuable resources and I’m slowly draining when I’m with you, when it’s supposed to be cultivated, nurtured. This is wrong. This is totally wrong. You said you want a woman who’s down for you? I’m totally down for you. I’m so fucking down. Can’t you fucking see?

I guess this heartbreak I’m suffering is clearly my fault huh. I know you were going to say that but fuck I didn’t plan on loving you! Why would I orchestrate something if I know I was going to be hurt like this? Yea you’ll probably say I’ve already seen it. *sigh* know. I should’ve. Right?
You know what, when you’re hurting, you should not be dating, you should be healing. You should not give promises to people especially if you can’t keep it. You knew you were hurting me but you didn’t give the slightest damn. You saw I was hurt, man, I actually told you about it but you didn’t care at all. Who does that? You didn’t even pretend to care at least! And you still want to see me??? How come? For you to have a someone on your arms when you’re lonely? For you to spoon you like a big baby when you sleep? To keep your fridge clean and organized? You used me and my stupid ass gave you all the access to it. You’re an asshole. 

I know I have expressed all these painful words to you but actually if I think about it, I’m more mad at myself for letting you in. I am working on myself now. I am thankful I met a guy like you. I know I was pouring love to the wrong table again but I’m cool with that. Made me realize that not everyone can keep up with the type of love I can give it will suck at first but its okay. Life is full of abundance. If I can love the wrong person this much, then how much more the right person? Right? So thank you. I just wish you stop treating women a rehabilitation for broken men. Karma will come and get you. 
Bye for now. I got to man up for me.


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