This is insane.

I’m on here… seven years since the last time. I remember when I finally had enough.. it was right before the new year and everyday for months I thought about you. You were in my thoughts all day and I couldn’t even escape you in my dreams. When we started talking again I was a different person. 
In the beginning of our break up I started going to church, I wanted to heal, I wanted to become a new person. Then something hit me. I wanted to know why drugs, alcohol and partying was so much more important than me. Why wasn’t I enough? Why wasn’t I enough for you to stop watching other things.. Why wasn’t I enough to stand up to your friends who constantly tagged you and texted you with filthy things. So I became that person. I found a friend and I started going out and dressing like the girls I thought you were more into. I was getting drunk, I was having fun. I got caught up & then when we started talking again I had lost the girl that told you to leave. I was now a girl you probably would have LOVED & my intention to that was to never get you back but to just understand why it was so much more worth it than me.

But i was lost. I lost my virginity to you & now so many others had touched my body. I was playing guys like you used to play me & when you came back I was a black hole. 

You went out with me the night before my 22nd birthday I believe & then that night I went out with my girlfriends and a guy bought me a shot. I told you I shrugged it off but I actually gave him my snapchat. I blew him off for awhile but we weren’t officially back together so I let him in. I went out with him a lot. I remember one night asking you to come out & then I left a bar to Facetime him. When you came over after my nephews birth I told him I was on the phone and passed out. When I was really with you. When you came over for Valentines I justified that I wasn’t talking to the other guy anymore… 

Who was I?

Literally a year later I would get pregnant with my first & life would just go on. I got married because my parents told me it was the right thing to do. I was terrified. I wasn’t ready to be a mom, but in a way i’m thankful because she saved me from continuing a life full of literally nothing. I got pregnant with my second 8 months later. A week after I found out I was pregnant with my second I also found out I was being cheated on. 

It was actually a relief. Our home was filled with emotional and physical abuse. Physically it started when I was 9 months pregnant with my first. I found myself becoming who I was months before I left you. Terrified of cheating, porn, movies, tv shows, the list goes on. It took me forever to realize what I was in. 

I was told to go to marriage counselling after I found out the first time. Yeah, marriage counselling… I didn’t even want to get married in the first place. So we went but a month later i’d find it again in his emails.

I told him to leave.

That’s the weird thing. All of this wanting wanting wanting someone to love you & then you end up being the one having to end it.. it doesn’t make sense. Why didn’t ya’ll leave?

I think I manifested Outback. There is a guy there, the last two times my heart has fallen out of my ass thinking it was you. 
I had gotten off work that Saturday and grabbed my girls from my ex husband and met up with my now boyfriend & we decided to go. As I started walking i recognized your grandma but wasn’t sure why I recognized her. 
Then I turned around and met your eyes..

Weirdest fucking feeling. I think my kids and boyfriend talked to me for 5 min and I didn’t even hear them. 

I’ve wondered about you..how you’re doing, what you’re doing and I’ve always thought it was my fault and I did you really dirty. The last time we saw each other I felt like I had fucked up.

But, I’m not the reason we aren’t together anymore. I gave you chance after chance. I hate what I did to you, I hate the girl I was but you didn’t deserve to get back in my bed in the first place.

You were my everything, i’ll never forget you. I often tell myself what we had wasn’t real cause it felt like it was only real to me but i’ll allow my mind to remember you that way. Remember our good times even if they meant nothing to you.

Crazy, two kids, a divorce & now starting a life with someone else. & running into you makes it seem like no time has past.

My oldest is three now, youngest will be two in July. My divorce will be final in May. I’m moving in with my boyfriend in June. I’m happy. 

I hope you are too.