Holy shit. I can’t believe my life. what just happened?? I mean after months of ups and downs and not feeling ok. Constantly looking over my shoulder. always getting a little stock every time I ran into you. Now it is actually finally fucking ending. My suffering is officially coming to an end because you are leaving the country.

I started to think that it would never happen. Because it felt that way. After all the talk of you flying but just never bought the ticket, I was starting to think you never would. I was on my way to bed. I was stressed and overwhelmed. I was sitting in the dark just trying to think. to breathe. There is a knock on my door. I thought about not opening it. I really did, I was going to bed, but I was already half way there. So I opened. And there, you were – right fucking there. Like you always were when you came by. Like everything was like it was 6 months ago. And you had come to say that you were leaving.

I played dumb at first. said “what do you mean??” You said ok ok sorry i’ll leave. But I invited you in. We talked. Nothing new to say really. But again that feeling of not wanting it to end. but also wanting it to be over. You said you were leaving. for real this time. And I said goodbye. FOR REAL this time. I have now deleted your number. removed you from my social media. Now it is really over. Like over over. And I can finally breathe.

I am leaving the spanish group. And that feels so good. Omg that is just what I fucking need. I am leaving the spanish group and they are leaving me. I stuck around for a bit. Didn’t feel I could go to bed after that. She reassured me she held nothing against me whatsoever. She said that. She’s not mad. It’s a bit anti climatic but I think it’s all ending the way it should now. First A. left the group. then I kinda left. Now she is leaving, and I am leaving R. It’s all drifting. And I finally wont have to worry all the fucking time. The friend group that I never developed with beyond partying and hanging out is drifting. I can finally be myself. I don’t have to care. I don’t have to worry. because you’ll be gone. And now I know I will never ever never see you again.

Breathe. It’s over. You got closure. You got to say goodbye for real. Holy shit they’re actually all leaving. This month can’t go fast enough. But I hope I take it easy. Do what I want to do. Not for the sake of someone else. Not to impress anybody. Not to please no one. Fuck I just want get out of here. Run away from everything. Not be here when you’re gone. Start over with everything. But I’m also so fucking tired of starting over. I need some time off just being.

When I was standing there in the cinema room. Everyone there. Hugging, saying goodbye. It felt like the ending of a movie. Finally the end. And it’s not half bad of an ending. At the very least I have learnt a fucking lot. A lot about myself. I guess maybe I am ready to move into my own own place. A place where not everyone else lives with me. Where anyone can knock on my door at any time. But even though I feel ready for that, a summer or some time of transitioning is not half bad thing. What a past couple of weeks. But I am leaving the spanish group. And you know what, I am so ready for it. 2022 the year of me. Here’s to that. An ending. And a new beginning!