I wish I could trust you, and the things you said.  Maybe I want to reach out so I can hear you say “I love you”, even though you don’t see a future with me.  Because I still want to believe we can be together.  But even if we were together, I don’t know what it would mean.  Or if we would be happy.  It feels selfish to want to be with you, and scary.  You hurt me so much before, you’ve lied to me so easily, and are no longer the person I met ten years ago.  All this time I’ve been thinking there is something I need to say, something I need to do.  So I can show you we can make things work.  That together, everything can be overcome.  Maybe that’s why you left.  Because you knew I would be fighting on my own to make sure we made it.  Maybe this was the only way you could be honest with me, by making a life with someone else.  It was embarrassing that I still did not give up then.  Today I’m ashamed that I did not let you go.  I don’t know who was the person I thought I loved so deeply.  But it couldn’t be you.  It had to be a lie.  Because the person I imagined, never walked away, never gave up, and loved me through all my mistakes.  I miss thinking that person is real and more importantly, that it was you.


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