It’s been 2 months since you took your own life and I find myself struggling with your decision. Even though we split up I still loved and cared about you. You used to tell me living was hard for you. We would sit in our quiet times and you would tell me about your life and I would tell you about mine. We both had issues and you encouraged me to get help. I wish you had taken your own advice. I would’ve supported you, I would’ve always been around for you.

The first time you attempted to take your own life I woke up to find you hanging by your neck. In that moment my whole life changed, i really thought you had died in my arms but somehow you came around. I wish you hadn’t hid it from people, I wish you got the help, I know you tried.

Our lives changed and I could no longer live a healthy fulfilling life with you. I had to protect myself and so I had to take the decision to leave. You promised me you would never do it again, you promised me that you would be fine and time heals all. We spoke on the phone, we text and I honestly thought you would be ok. 6 weeks later you had taken your own life.

You have left me with a hole in my life, I’m full of guilt, shame, confusion and anger. You said you loved me and your frightened your heart may not mend. You closed all the doors, took away all the options. I know it was your choice but I wish you had waited to do your therapy. You told me you had done one session and you were  feeling positive. Your children love you and so do your parents, I love you and I always will..In time my wounds will heal and I will think of you in fondness but at this moment in time all my memories of us are sad, even the happy ones because of what has happened. I hope you have found peace. I will always love you crumpet feet but for now I have to find a way out of this pain I feel. I am not saying goodbye to you but I have to try and live my life. You will always be a part of me ..You sleep well now. All my love sausage fingers xxx