Dear E, 

I don’t even know where to start. I still miss you. I miss you everyday and I don’t know how to move on. I never meant to hurt you. Now that I look back at it, I was hurt and it wasn’t because of you. My family would constantly bash me for liking girls and I didn’t want to be a disappointment to them. My dad would beat me at least once a week. I was depressed, always got yelled at, and I never understood what I did wrong.

I started abusing drugs, as you already know, and I broke up with you on our 1 year anniversary. I didn’t know what was right or wrong. I was 14, and I’m not trying to say that as an excuse, but I was immature and I wish I met you at a time where I was better and not so emotionally damaged. You never deserved what I did to you.

I wish I could just text you this, but I know you have a girlfriend. Speaking of, I’m really happy for you. Like for real, I’ve never seen you as happy as you are right now. I still look at your social media accounts to check on you and see how you’re doing. It makes makes me happy to see you smiling and having a good time. 

I know you hate me and never want to see me again. That night I went to your house right after I landed from my flight to Texas, I was scared. I was scared of you. You were crying, you were angry, and you looked like you were about to punch me. I deserved it. I deserved every thing you did to hurt me. I deserved it all because I hurt you first. I know you just wanted to get back at me, I know we loved each other at some point. I know it, it couldn’t have been fake. We were in love at such a young age, and I wish we met each other when we were a bit older. I’m sorry, I’m sorry for everything. 

And to be honest, you were right. I would always victimize myself when we would get into arguments and whatnot. I didn’t know the difference between right or wrong, I already said that, but I really didn’t. I also didn’t really remember or know what I was doing wrong since I was constantly doing drugs and literally being abused at home. It’s a trauma block, and whenever I think of our relationship, I usually used to just think of the good times and that’s why I would get so sad. Now, I look back and realize every fucked up thing I did to you and our relationship. It wasn’t fair for you. You’re have such a kind hearted soul, you didn’t deserve any of it. 

Even though I know for a fact that you hate me, I will always love you. I will always cherish the good memories we had, and also continue to learn from my mistakes. 

Yours truly,
E