Today I am in a melancholy mood for some reason. I have a feeling of sadness with no obvious cause. I don’t really know why. Maybe it is because I just now realized it is your birthday and at one time, you were the most important person in my life. But you wiped that time out 16 years ago and in the progress, you destroyed me. I have been trying to avoid sadness all these years, but I find I am avoiding life itself. I don’t think anyone understands how hard and tiring it is to act okay and strong, when in reality I am close to the edge and not really doing well as a functional human. All I do is go to work and come back to the RV and hide in a TV show. I have been this way for so long I am just numb to the world around me. When you shattered my world 16 years ago, I tried to bring you back into it. But a million words and gestures would not bring you back to me, I know because I tried. Neither would a million tears, because I cried them. 

After you left and our life together was over for sure. You did what you do with all relationships you end. Be it friends or lovers, you do things to ensure the relationship you just ended can never be repaired. In our case, not only did you break my heart and stomp it into ashes. That was not enough for you, you lied, broke promises, and stole from me for three years. Every time I left my home for a few months for work. You came back and would steal from me. You even had your new boyfriend come and help you. This hurt me and destroy all the trust I ever had with you. Sadly, if you would have just asked for the things you took. I would have given you 90% of them. But instead, you came like a thief in the night to steal from me. It wasn’t until several years after you left that I realized you have cleaned over $20,000 of gold, silver, and paper money of my collectibles from the safe. 

The saddest part of all this is you convinced our daughters you had a right to steal from me. That it was not stealing because you did not get your fare share. Your actions caused our daughters to think they could do the same to me. These actions continued until my house was lost by the actions of one of our daughters. At that same time, you stole the last $6000 from me by manipulating one of our daughters to give it to you. While at the same time telling her it was alright for her to steal $19,000 from me and never paying back the $120,000 of loans she owed me. You did everything you could by your self or by using our daughters to ensure I was left penny less. 

Your drove the dagger so deep and twisted it into my heart. Causing a total loss of my trust from someone I totally trusted, and it turned my heart black and into a stone. For many years afterward I hated women because if this. It took years for my heart to heal from your betrayal. The sad part is, even if I can find love again. I am not sure I could ever be able to trust her like I once trusted you.

You were the hardest lesson I ever had to learn, and the most hurtful. I gave up so much working away from home to ensure you had what you needed and to give the girls what I was never experienced growing up. I missed watching our girls growing up daily and being with the woman I loved daily. All the time aching to be home with you and them. 

In the end it was all for not. On this day while you are off celebrating your birthday with your new boyfriend on the coast. I saw the date and had a flash back causing an ache in my heart so deep I could hardly breath. I hate getting flashbacks about our early life. They are still too painful for me to remember. You left me bent, scarred, and sad beyond belief. I can admit to myself that I am depressed, but I hid it well. At times, I think it would be easy to just lay down and die. But it is not in my nature to give up no matter how sad or hurt I am.

I think the saddest part of all. Is I still after all this, have love in my heart for you. Unfortunately, I have no trust in you at all, you made sure of that. So, I will carry on in with what is left in my depressing life alone. With the hope that before I die, I can find the love of a woman again.

One broken man