A couple of months have passed, and I’m healing slowly. I still tear up a couple times a week, but I always remind myself that this was for the best. I have to believe that the future holds so much growth and happiness for me (and truly, I hope it does for you, too). That being said, one thing that continues to bother me very deeply is our last conversation and the way things ended. I desperately wish that I hadn’t let my emotions get the best of me that morning and that I had waited to calm down a little before letting myself respond to you. I don’t regret holding you accountable for your actions or setting my bounderies, but I do wish that I would have done so in way that wasn’t lashing out. If that had happened, I think we would have sat down to have our last talk face to face, and it would feel more like real closure. 

I still see your face in the last moment that I looked at you, while we were trading our personal items. Our eyes met for a quick moment before you turned and walked away forever. And the moment when you left for the last time and I slammed the door will probably for be etched into my brain forever. And one of my biggest regrets, because it shouldn’t have ended like that. 

I know you didn’t love me and I know I made the decision to end things myself, because I deserve better than what you were able to give me. But it’s also true that I did love you very deeply, or at least the person I thought you were. And this moving on process isn’t any less painful just because I know what I know. So in order to aid myself in moving on and to get this off my chest, I’m going to share the response I wish I’d given in place of the angry one that you got.

Okay. I’m going to be honest, this sounds like an excuse to further avoid dealing with this issue. Since you continue to avoid dealing with this, I have a lot I need to get off my chest and I’m just going to share it now. In the case that this isn’t just another excuse, yes I understand how important adopting a dog is for you. And you know what else I used to think was important to you? I thought foolishly that I was. But I’m beginning to see this picture so much more clearly, and it’s time that I held you accountable for your actual actions and instead of just trusting the things you say.

Your actions and your words often tell two different stories. Your actions show that you don’t really respect or value me, and you definitely don’t value my time. This is just one of countless times that you have canceled plans you made with me last minute, showed up extremely late, or just made yourself unavailable when I needed you.

I can’t put up with this flaky behavior anymore. It isn’t fair to me when I feel like I have tried my best to be a caring and supportive partner to you and I have made you a top priority. I don’t feel like you’ve done the same for me in a very long time. I feel like I have always been competing with other things for your attention, mainly your codependent relationship with your father and your addiction to pornography. I cannot compete anymore. I don’t know why you asked for us to have a second chance. Nothing changed, and now I think I see that you aren’t capable of really loving me, at least not in the way I know I deserve.

I’ve been holding on to the good moments we shared, and hoping we could persevere through our issues and a lifelong relationship could come from that. But those moments seem now to be only crumbs compared to the big picture. Despite the things I love about you, I don’t know that you’re the person I thought you were. And overall being with you now hurts more than it brings me joy, and it is so incredibly lonely. I’m unhappy and feel unloved, and you not keeping your word once again further reinforces that feeling.

All this to say, I would prefer that you keep your word and meet today as you said you would. If that is impossible for you, then okay, good luck on your search to find an animal companion. But in that case we will meet at my discretion and when it is convenient for me. I’m tired of being treated like an inconvenience when I know I’m not, I’m a person with feelings and someone who loved you. And I’m tired of clinging to someone who doesn’t love me back.