It has been almost two years and I still think and dream of you almost every day. Your face and voice haunt my decisions and keep things buried that I will not be able to give to anyone else. It feels sometimes like you are not on this planet anymore and then I feel grateful that you are because there is a chance for you to be happy and find love. There are many things left unsaid. The root of a lot of it is in both our self sabotage and communication.

There was a time when we were in this together, against the world and we were each other’s. It became something else as time went by and people came to influencing behavior and the distance grew. A job to support our life together became separate lives entirely. Emotional unavailability turned into punishment on both sides and pain resonated somewhere it never even started .. there was no cause of hurt. Just feelings of betrayal from distance in each other’s face and misunderstanding that we both wanted the same thing. Efforts looked like taunts. We didn’t recognize each other anymore. The pain turned me into someone I never wanted to be, out of fear and I closed up.

You left. Our home gone. The kids have been in therapy since then, and I go through my own as well. 

You still play a role in all of our lives as our families are still talking, crossing paths through the grape vine from time to time. 
At night somedays I can feel my heart again if I catch it right before I am awake all of the way, I have you again for a moment. 

I understand that how I treated you was so wrong and I destroyed a part of you through my cruelty that was not deserved, no matter the distance. I regret dodging the I love yous that I now see were attempts, not taunts. There is no excuse, not even in my own trauma, bc there are lines you don’t cross and I did. You deserve better, and I am proud of you for doing what I could not. I would never have walked away. I pray you are happy or find that happiness that I couldn’t give. 

Squishy Fluffy.. if you by chance find this I am rooting for you.. I respect your decision and you enough I will never say these things out loud. I am so sorry.