I’ve been struggling to write this. I’ve been struggling with a mix of extreme emotions of anger, sadness, betrayal. All because of you, Johnson. You’re were so fucking manipulative. You pushed my sexual boundaries while gaslighting into doing things I wasn’t comfortable. When i confront you later on, you turn it against me to make me feel like I wanted it. You violated me; mentally, emotionally, physically.
I don’t doubt you think you’re a good guy. Great narcissistic must lie to themselves because facing the truth of who they are would be too much to bear. I understand you went through a difficult childhood, but that gave you no right to treat people with such disposal. You’ve practice the art of deception, the art of lying. You curated this minty perfect image of a “wholesome good guy” to the public. You’ve practice how to victimize yourself meticulously to always make it seem like the world is against you.
But I see right through you, Johnson. And you knew it. You felt threatened that someone was able to uncover the truth. It’s such a shame really, what a true asshole you really are. I should’ve realized how fucked you were in the head when you told me you haven’t cried in years and that if you’re own mother died today you probably still wouldn’t cry at all. You lack empathy. You lack genuine compassion. You put up a front because you need to convince yourself and the world that you’re a decent person, but deep down you’re a troubled boy.
I hate how you lied to me about how you felt about me with your body and your words. I hate how you someone managed to get me to get attached you when I had no interest in you to begin with. But the blame is on me with that one. I saw the red flags from the beginning and I chose to ignore it. I’m not perfect, I’m fucked up to. But the difference between you and I is that I can admit that and learn/grow from it. I should’ve known from the very first call we had when you told me your ex made your dating profile and that you guys are friends that i should’ve stayed away.
I should’ve paid attention when you trauma dumped on me 5 minutes into meeting me about all your mommy issues. I should’ve noticed what a red flag it was when you told me “i feel like i trust you already” 10 minutes into talking. You had all the classic signs of a lovebombing narcissist and i ignored it all.
But i found attraction in you. I found something in you that made me feel familiar. I found something in you that filled a void in me that I’ve been lacking. Johnson, I’ve never felt more alive and invisible at the same time when i was with you. You gave me a form of validation that Ive been craving. And slowly that turned into a drug addiction. Thats what you are; a drug.
But anyway, thanks for all the lessons. I don’t regret anything because we all meet people for a reason. You held up a mirror to my face and made me realize that by choosing you, someone who has not a single ounce of respect for me, was a reflection myself- I don’t respect or love myself as much as I thought. I needed the external validation, the hits of dopamine in order to feel something. I discovered that I was willing to bleed my love to someone who only gave me below the bare minimum. You were a reflection of everything that satisfied my ego, but you were nothing that gave peace to my soul.
The universe brought us together to teach a valuable lesson, but unfortunately, I’ll be the only one walking away with it learnt. Why? Because I was willing to sit through the shame, the pain and the experience in order to elevate. You, could never. I don’t want to hate you and I don’t want to harbor anymore burden. I don’t want to consistently ask and crave for answers to questions I would never get and I don’t want to care anymore. But i wont deny that a part of me always will. It’s time for me to let go what has been long expired. I’m writing all this out as a form of final expression so that I can move on with my life. I want to say I wish you the best, but I don’t. I don’t wish you anything. But one day, karma will find you. How do i know? Because what goes around comes around. I feel sorry for you, I really do. Oh one last thing… go fuck yourself, respectfully.