To BB,

You probably didn’t know that after we broke up, that I have been waiting this whole time. My guess was we both were waiting for the possibility to try again. But deep in my heart, I already knew you never loved me. I was just that accommodating to you that you liked me around, and you like the idea of being in love. You could never admit it but the signs were clear. I always try to be considerate to you and your circumstance, but that circumstance isn’t an excuse to do whatever you want if you want me around. I wished you considered my feelings more.

It’s always the same pattern of you coming back, and we have a good 2 weeks before you get sick of me. You stop offering to do things for me, you can’t be bothered to engage in conversation, and I get put on hold to wait for you. I try to tell you all these things but I never got heard. 

Why can’t you cut ties with H who is clearly interested in you if he’s a nobody to you? Why continue interacting with him even though we had countless fights over the past 2 years over him? Am I that much of a pushover that I should be fine with you lying to me over him? Why do your actions always contradict your excuses from yesterday? Why even come back last December if you are just going to do things that hurt me? It’s so unfair how my heart just gives in every time you message me.

I only have 2 hours after work which I try my best to spend with you, and you take half of the time to do things you could do before I came home, how do you think it makes me feel about how much you value our time together? One day, you even forgot I was waiting for you.

It’s just so contrasting how you immediately accepted his invitation that day. You definitely knew something was wrong, but you still spent hours with him. And you lying about waiting for my reply was the terrible, it made me reconsider every time I gave you the benefit of doubt – especially the time you missed my call but able to read his message that was sent later. But the worst was even after apologizing, it merely took you two weeks of us not speaking to go back to him. I don’t know if it was out of spite or there was something going on but I knew that I would be a fool not leave there and then.

It was so much easier when we just stopped talking. Now that I forced myself to leave, everything that happened just haunts me everyday. I try to distract myself with games or work but most nights I find myself back in the same dark place. I can’t bring myself to invest in another relationship or speak to other girls, and I’m not sure if I will ever heal. I still stalk and check pockets of our life together sometimes to see if you are still alive, I know its unhealthy and I should stop it but I can’t help it. Maybe you’re happier now that I’m gone, less feelings to consider, more freedom or you’re worse off, I really don’t know. All I know is I’m lost and I don’t know how to move on..

R