Dear Logan,

I have thought about us since the month and a half since we have broken up. Through all the hours I have everyday, I find myself replaying all of our time together. The good, the bad, and the just ok. I can’t help but think, “what went wrong”? Honestly, its a stupid question because I know exactly what happened. I know that we no longer saw eye to eye on religion. You never kept your promises and never cared to change when I asked you to be better. I stressed too much about the little things. I believed that you would grow up and own things. You lied to me repeatedly and would get angry at me when I became upset that you lied and broke promises. You hid things from me. You never would really let me in. 

A lot went wrong. 

We used to be so happy with one another. When I met you, I thought I met my person. I thought I met the man I would spend the rest of my life with. I had never felt so comfortable or free with anyone in my life than with you. Now, we are no longer speaking. You used to be my rock in life, in everything and now I find myself hating every thought that I allow myself to have about you. I hate that even though I hate you for what you did, I still love you. I hate that my heart still reaches out to you and I have to fight it everyday so that I keep to myself. I hate that I crave your touch still and the warmth and comfort you gave to me even though you betrayed me. I hate that I planned my future with you but near the end it felt like you didn’t really care. You would say “Why can’t you be an awful person to make this easier” or “I am so torn about what to do”. Why would you ever say that to someone you love? Even as you have shattered my heart, even as I hate you for all the pain you have put me through, I still love you. I love you so much that even though you broke me too many times, I still try to rationalize everything and still defend you. So how can you say those things? How can you be okay with breaking your promises to me? How can you be fine with lying to me and going behind my back? If you loved me, how can that be ok with you?

Since we no longer talk, I have no idea how you are doing. I do find myself asking and wondering what you are doing. I wonder if you are making smart and careful choices. I wonder if you are doing drugs and harming yourself. I wonder if you actually were never really hurt by all of this, and that losing me was no more than a bump in your road. I wonder if you went to find comfort in other girls even though you said that you would focus on yourself. You said that you wouldn’t do certain things and yet you did them anyway because you wanted to. I am not sure I believe the promise that you wouldn’t go out and be with someone else. Then again, we aren’t together and there is no contract saying you have to. I don’t know what to believe in because your actions never supported your words. I wonder if you blame me for everything. I wonder if your family applauds you for leaving me as they wanted you to do since the beginning. I have supported you through everything, financially, mentally, physically, and emotionally but they never saw any good I did. They only saw me as a distraction, someone in the way of your goals. They just wanted me gone and now I guess they got what they wanted. Is this what you wanted too? 

I find myself working and putting things on my schedule to take my mind off of you. If I am busy and overworked I don’t have the time to think of you, of my pain, and of the space that you no longer occupy in my life. 5 years… gone like that. I have always feared this feeling and this life, you no longer being a part of it. With all the promises you made to never leave my side, I guess that was also just another promise you broke. I want to scream so loud. I want to scream for hours until my throat bleeds out. I want to scream all the pain away, the pain in my heart and in my head. Its so overbearing that to the point I want to release everything and to black out from the pain. If I let myself even the tiniest second to think of you, my heart shatters into oblivion. I miss my best friend. I miss my lover. I miss the person that would comfort me and make me laugh everyday. I miss the person that taught me to love myself. I miss the person that taught me so much about life. You made me fall in love with life. You made me want to live, live a life I could be proud of. I wanted to live that life with you. 

I don’t miss the fights though. I don’t miss the lies. I don’t miss the broken promises. I don’t miss the hatred your family so often showed. I do miss the nights we would star gaze and talk about our future, maybe our kids. I miss the nights you would hold my hand or pull me in to calm me down. I miss the early morning talks and the meals that we would make together. I miss the random talks we had about your games and my books. I miss the adventures we had even though together we had nothing. We made everything out of the nothing we had – and a part of me would give anything to have it back. I was willing to give so much of myself away for you and I know I should never change who I am, never abandon my morals. I guess the same could be said for you. Even if you did love me in your own way… you even said it yourself, “you can’t change and shouldn’t change who you are.” The only problem with that was that I wanted you to change to be a better person, to be the person I needed. You just didn’t want to change because you didn’t think you could actually change. You didn’t think you wanted to change. And now…you have lost me to that. 

I hope it was all worth it. I hope the pain and the hurt you put me through was worth it for you and that I will become stronger for it. I think that no matter what happens, a part of me will always love you still. I just don’t think I could allow myself to try again because I have given you so many chances to try again but you never did anything with it. You would change for maybe a few weeks and then revert back to your old ways. I can’t keep holding on to hope that you need to be the man I need, regardless of the amount of love I still harbor for you. I truly hope that you found peace in what you have done and that you feel like you made the right choices that lead us to this point. I hope that you are safe and happy with whatever comes your way. I hope that the next girl that comes along  will get everything I begged for and that you won’t feel like you have fight her on it. I hope that she falls in love with everything I did about you and more. I hope that she truly appreciates the wonderful and special things about you. I know that even though you have ripped my soul into pieces, you are still human, as am I. Logan… you are so special. You  are so smart and kind and wonderful. I loved you since I met you and I will love you till I die. I’m sure that love will change but I appreciate all the lessons you have taught me in life, the hard and the good. I wish you all the best especially since it was not with me.