I wonder why I got trapped in our toxic relationship.  I know it’s because I felt like there was no one else, but even when there was I wouldn’t leave you.  I knew what you were doing was wrong, cruel, and abuse, but never left.  The countless times you cursed at me when I was simply begging for communication wasn’t my last straw, it was your many acts of infidelity.  Even then I was thinking of still staying with you.  It’s all I’ve ever known.

Screaming, manipulation, lies, and all the bullshit my dad puts my mother and my family through.  If my dad was a decent person, I wouldn’t love the way I do.  I give more than I expect, and let a man talk his way out of everything.  I forgave you, constantly, at the expense of my own happiness.  There’s so many red flags I ignore simply because they’re normal to me.  

I wish I could see myself as more worthy of love.  Real, simple, and kind love seems impossible for me.  I am filled with self sabotage.  I feel as if the hardships I have experienced as a consequence of men make me adulterated.  I’m not innocent.  That’s all I’ve ever been and it’s destroyed me.  I cannot show my kindness, it’s all I’ve ever given.  My kindness and selflessness left me with wounds that cannot be closed.  I cannot say no, I just want to please him.  Even if I’m crying in your garage because I’m uncomfortable with your want for my body, I cannot say no.  I cannot tell you I’m leaving, because I believe it when you promise to change.  I want you to be happy, even if I know the relationship is slowly killing me.  

I let you diminish me.  I’m a dumb teenage girl, who you believed was not not pretty enough for your love to be deserved.  I believe you when he belittles me.  In a sick way, it’s all I’ve ever known.  From my father, from my boyfriends, and from this society.  I feel as if my wounds make me not deserving of a good man, because now I am impure.  I accept love at the expense of myself.

Daily, I deal with the consequences of your mistreatment.  You were my first everything, and that relationship normalized so many various forms of toxicity.  Months later, I still cannot get over how you made me feel.  I never, ever, miss the way I cried when I was with you.  I was so depressed.  But it’s stuck in my head that I never left you, even when I needed to.  How could my love for myself be so little, that I let another human treat me that way?  You knew me so deeply, and used all of my trauma against me.  You knew how much my father hurt me, and proceeded to act in ways similar to him.

I genuinely think you’re the cruelest person I have ever met.