Hey R,
I still think of you on a daily basis. Even after what you’ve done to me, the feelings for you still linger. I have been thinking to write this letter for so long, but every time I tried, I’m always left with tears and I’m unable to complete it.

I remember the first time when we encountered each other. The Google Docs document before our exam. We texted on it through the chat function and I asked for your number so that we can chat with convenience. Our daily texts then transitioned to calls and video calls. Those late night calls were memories that I would never trade for anything else in this world. Saying that I finally had a crush on someone was an understatement. You were more than a crush. It was my first time that I caught butterflies in my stomach. It was my first time that I felt appreciated. It was my everything…

Our first date at the mall was especially fun. We got lost in the middle of nowhere and there was an anime convention going on. Remember how there were so many Anyas around. Then we took a picture together and from that day onwards I just knew that I really want to be part of your life. I wanted to be part of your journey, supporting you through the thick and thin. All I ever wanted was to stay with you for the rest of my life, spoiling you as much as I can.

I started sending you hand written letters to you, buying gifts for you from every cent I made, sending you words of assurance every week, helping you with Maths, supporting you whenever you’re down, but I guess that wasn’t enough and I’m sorry for not being this ideal partner that you wanted. I’m really sorry it had to be me. I’m sorry that surprisingly your parents with birthday cakes during their birthday wasn’t enough. I’m sorry for how annoying I was, asking you everyday how you were feeling or what you were up to even when you were clearly not interested in talking to me. I’m sorry for overreacting to all your cold messages, those short replies you sent. I’m sorry that you had to encounter me.

It’s ironic isn’t it that the best way to appreciate is to lose things you could have appreciated. You might be absolutely disgusted for meeting me, but I just wanted you to know that I will never regret meeting you. It has taught me to not fully trust those empty promises that were made. It has taught me that anything that I do will never be enough, so what’s the point of love.

Maybe in another place or another universe. Maybe things would’ve been different. But I know that you’ve moved on, so it’s my turn to let go too. 

Goodbye R.