To this day I cannot even pretend to think of you as a mistake. I can’t hate you and I can’t pretend to. Not that I don’t have every right to, but because in the end I would gain nothing but unnecessary anger. You were amazing, and you made me feel like I was your number one. For awhile. We went through the loss of the pregnancy of our son, and you walked away and didn’t say another word about it until I lost my cool and snapped at you. I don’t blame you, you were hiding in a fantasy and didn’t want the world to know about the shame you felt. There was a time just the thought of you would make my heart skip a beat, and my palms sweat. There was a time when I would have done anything to make you happy. There was a time, when I remained blind to what you were doing behind my back, when I chose not to listen to my gut and gave you the benefit of the doubt. When I found out about your affair, it was too late for us. We had already broken up, and we had already gone through the initial bullshit that is heartache. When I found out, I found out through my doctor when I was pregnant with my first child with my now husband, informing me I had chlamydia which meant now so did my boyfriend. When I confronted you, the truths came flowing. The truths I should have been told years ago, if not just a few months before.
I don’t feel anger towards you for letting your need to have constant threesomes and fantasy sex behind my back come between us. I wouldn’t even say I feel sorry for you, because you don’t need pity. You don’t need understanding, you need to figure out what it is you really want.
Despite everything between us, every bad thing, every tear and angry word we ever spilt, I consider you one of the best things to happen to me to this day. I can still call you a friend, because you weren’t and aren’t a bad guy. You were just bad for me. So when you ask why I don’t blame you for everything that happened, when you think I should, this is why.
No you didn’t treat me right, but I didn’t stand up for myself either. You didn’t fight for me, but I didn’t give you a reason to think you needed to. You didn’t think I would leave because I always took you back. You continued to do the things I hated because I didn’t speak up. We were both at fault for the end of our relationship. So no, I won’t blame you, for something that is not all your fault.
Being with you was one of the most rewarding experiences of my life. I gained self respect and a stronger back bone, I became a stronger person, because of how you made me, but also helped me by being a friend when I really did need you. No our memories aren’t all bad, and neither are you. You are amazing as a friend and a confidant. And I know you would still have my back. But our choice to engage in a relationship and have a life together, although brief, was toxic for us both.
This is why I won’t blame you.