I regret the choice I made of losing you as a person who I truly cared about and even as a loving friend. Looking back, you were the best thing that came across in my life until I decided to cut it off so suddenly due to personal reasons that I can’t explain and was too scared to tell you, which was soo mf stupid of me. I was a hypocrite for praising on the importance of communication but didn’t provide that between us. You did not deserve any of my wrongdoings and you have every right to be mad at me. I’m not asking you to forgive me but hopefully hear me out. As mentioned in the past, everything was fairly new to me and even though that is no excuse, I let the worst get to me and did what I could to push you away when I needed you the most. 

We would talk about our childhood, family, friends, school, the future, our feelings, etc. and what I didn’t emphasize enough was that I was never taught to express my true emotions, especially to those who I really do love. I wished to have come from a family where there is a sense of  caring and loving someone in general, but I live an environment where that doesn’t exist. I feared that my personal issues and personal life would make you walk away from me and so I decided to walk away first, not knowing how much you meant to me and was too stubborn to talk it out. I was so stubborn that I tried to forget about you because it hurt me that I don’t deserve you but I can’t help but to think about you. My mistake was that I didn’t fight for you. 

During the week when you questioned our relationship, I lied about losing feelings for you because I feared for the future. I lied that I lost feelings for you after the aquarium and I lied about not picturing us becoming more than just friends as well. If you asked me why I lied, I wouldn’t know the exact answer but just know that in a sense, the future is holding me back. 

I am sorry that I hurt you and never wanted to do that in the first place but I hope some day I can make it up to you (only if you want). From February until now, you unintentionally made me become a better person and I’m sorry I wasn’t better to you. You don’t have to remind me how bad I fumbled someone who is funny, gorgeous, smart, and admirable because I KNOW HOW BAD I DID.  I’m not proud of what I felt like I did to you. I’m not dropping the L bomb on you but what I do want to say is that I really really do like you…. like a lot… still.  I promise to do right by you no matter what. As friends or not, I want to be there for you.

P.S. I never actually delete the playlist we had. 
P.P.S. Mahalia – November (feat. Stormzy) is how I’m feeling right now.